This man has experienced the disappointment of slipping into old patterns, letting love slip away, and ending up alone. Now in a new relationship, he wants to know how not to repeat that cycle.
Q: I came to one of your meetings asking about a relationship I had at the time because of troubles that were going on at that time in the relationship, and you told me to find her diamond or to find the gem and that I knew where to find it looking back. I was finding it and it was rolling through my fingers; it was going away, I ended up feeling kind of alone in my little cocoon and at the same time I was really happy that I was who I became; that I was who I wanted to be. Still it became a jail, a desire to really relate and somehow a month ago a miracle happened, and a beautiful being came and fell down in my house. (laughter) I still can’t believe what…what I did to deserve it.
Q: I find myself asking this question…how is this possible? I see how clumsy I am in real relating.
John: Sweetly clumsy.
Q: how can I keep at least ‘sweetly clumsy’? it’s like walking on eggs. know that something can go wrong from all the experience I had until now. How to keep this precious thing unbroken?
John: By you letting dearness replace disappointment. With any little thing that touches disappointment in your self, make a tiny, quiet, little shift; that right where you register disappointment that you open to registering dearness.
Q: It feels like a garden. The plants that are not the right ones to give water to and not to water the right ones, the ones that belong in the garden.
John: By you being a dearness gardener instead of a disappointed gardener.
Q: : Is it to do with subtlety?
John: Yes. Dearness sees subtlety. Dearness loves subtlety, where disappointment is blind to subtlety.
It’s not just in your relationships, but in every aspect of your life. Let dearness replace disappointment and your heart will thrive. You will thrive.
Q: How can I develop that sensitivity?
John: Dearness already has it. Disappointment is already blind to it. Both start with ‘d’ and to that add a little shift, and you’ll be in the one instead of the other.
Q: I can see dearness when I see something beautiful or something that touches me, and at the same time I can see like a stone inside my heart. Something is closed
John: Let dearness see into that stone and you’ll see that stone open. Start from the dearness instead of the stone. With a tiny little bit of openness there, dearness moves.
Q: Is openness equal to…to willingness…or?
John: Yes. Willingness is you, within your will, opening. Anywhere where you are willful, where you are in a hardened and a closed will, just beneath the surface is your willingness.
Q: I feel like just so clumsy inside. I…I…I kick everything around without looking, or something. It feels like I need to become more present or something
John: Not present. That’s too much work. Just delicately open; a tiny little bit open.
Q: Take the protections away, the defenses.
John: When you live delicately open, all protection will eventually pass away. You don’t need to do anything with it. If you try to get rid of it, you make it stronger.
Q: Thank you.
What begins as a wish to know where uniqueness belongs if we’re really all the same, opens into a detailed explanation of how consciousness confined to experience has us living in a doped-up self. John takes us beyond this into a greater depth of oneness, new for the universe, coming into us now.
Questioning the truth of an awakening experience she had, the woman in this dialogue wants to know how she can be sure it was real. John gives a somewhat surprising answer and explains the difference between certainty in your self and real knowledge.
This man believes that his physical pain is a symptom of having carried his mother’s depression following the miscarriage of his baby brother. In this delicate meeting and before our eyes, John shows him how to enter his heart and connect with his little brother now.
This woman finds her self behind a shield of protection, separating her from the intimacy she knows lies beneath. But how to get through? John shows her how to drop into the most delicate touches of love and realize her intimate connection with everything and everyone.
In this dialogue a man shares the difficulty of having social anxiety, a state that has him wanting to avoid social situations altogether. Revealing the true source of his anxiety, John describes how it’s possible for him to replace the tension he experiences with joy.
John’s response to this woman’s call for help with what to do with her anger goes straight to the point! His warm, pithy answer is followed by a full explanation of what’s really happening when we’re angry.
While the common wisdom of today suggests that self-empowerment is the key to success and happiness, John explains why this unintegrated form of awareness is not at all up to the task we’ve given it. And in fact, is the very reason many of us feel anxious, uncertain, and filled with a sense of lack.
“I’m haunted by my abusive past. How can I let it go?” John shows us how our beliefs are embodied in our nervous system, creating experience we make our reality. He shows how real healing doesn’t come from understanding but from something much simpler: unconditional openness and softness of heart.