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With John de Ruiter from the May 30, 2019 Moen, Denmark Event
Q: I found out in a family constellation that when I was two years old my mother had a miscarriage that was supposed to be a little brother to me, and what I found out in this setting was that I’ve been carrying her sorrow and depression ever since. Since I was a teenager I’ve been carrying difficulties with my back especially, and getting worse through the years. Last year you said to me not to think too much about the why and what about my back. Apparently I’ve been carrying around this energy of this little brother, or this soul, through life, misunderstood: that to gain my parents attention I should be as dead as him.
John: When you are not in your heart, all you have to relate from then is your self. As a self you will then relate genetically. You’ll draw from those around you what relates to you as a self. Whatever you carry in that is not real. The way that you form because of that is not real. You trying to deal with that is not real. What’s real is you, despite your self, returning to your heart.
Any pain in your self is a manifestation of the stories that you live in your self. The pain in your self isn’t real. It’s only actual.
Q: When I feel these heavy shoulders and the pain, which is an illusion, to meet this illusion – if I understand you right – is that to go to the heart and to open into this?
John: To open into your heart and into everything that’s deeper. There is no illusion for you to address.
Q: No. Okay.
John: Addressing it means you’re interested in it.
Q: And accepting is the same?
John: Even looking at it, facing it, feeds it.
Q: Can you help me right now, show me how, so I can remember better?
John: Face your heart. Face what you deeply know in your heart. The knowing in your heart is all about beingness.
Q: I know all this.
John: The knowing in your heart carries no thought. The knowing in your heart is beingness that takes you way deeper, within. It’s all direct. There’s no process in it. There isn’t anything to learn. It’s all your return to innocence.
When you are facing your heart, in your heart in what’s deeper than your heart, any thought about your little brother isn’t going to weigh on you. Any thought of your little brother instantly connects you and makes you love. Everything else is a story. The way that he is now, you are free to be just the same.
Q: To just be the same? Mmm.
John: The same as he is.
Q: You mean beyond.
John: For sure, just warmly beyond your self; warmly, deeper within than your self and you being just like him in the midst of your self, and then through your self, and then as a self to others.
Q: Can you repeat the last “to others?”
John: And then as a self. It’s a little bit like him, as your self, to others. It’s not really him; it’s you being the same as he is.
Q: So I’m wondering: it’s one thing is to have the audience and your energy to help me, but when I’m alone in my cottage in the forest how do I do this?
John: Let your heart, through your surrender, take you. Let what you know that is deeper within than your heart take you. That makes you free-flow-awareness, within.
Q: Yeah. I can feel it. It seems like areas around the chest and heart are somehow changing, maybe deepening.
John: So it isn’t just you becoming like your little brother, but your body is also becoming like him: connected.
Q: Yeah. It’s changing around between the heart and the throat. I mean the energy’s changing. It’s opening more in the throat.
John: You being in your heart is moving up into your throat. If you let it, it will keep going and it will move right up filling the interior of your face and your eyes. And then you are just like your little brother.
Q: I’m also being pulled a little backwards. (smiles) It’s like waves, it’s like it was going up into the face and then maybe down again, I don’t know. It’s changing in waves, coming and going.
John: A beautiful rhythm of being that is a little bit like breathing.
Q: It seems like something is stopping the openness. I think it’s my mind, somehow! Having a jester crawling around!
John: The only thing that can stop this is you bringing something of your self into your heart. As you are given to your heart, that cleans your self out of your heart, opens your heart for your being to come in, and from there your being-filled heart moves into all of your self.
Your being-filled heart filling your self: that’s what your self is for, to be freely filled by everything that’s deeper.
Q: Yeah, here we go! It’s going in waves. It’s really beautiful to allow it and be patient – I don’t know, with my self, or whatever.
John: That’s too much. Just freely like it and love it.
Q: Can you say it again?
John: Just really like it and love it. As you do, it keeps taking you.
Q: Thank you, John.