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With John de Ruiter from the February 4, 2018 Tiruvannamalai, India Open Mic
Q: In these last days I dropped into beingness. I knew that beingness was when I was seventeen, and it was one week after my sister’s death. But also since then there’s a controlling in me: something wants to control life. Something is so afraid of death and I want to let that go, finally. I can’t control anything.
John: You already do. Every time you lie down to go to sleep you are, essentially, letting go into dying: into all of your forms leaving you. You are so at home, so comfortable with your past, your personality, your self and your day all leaving you. Your fear of dying is an emotional idea. It’s not real.
Q: Because it’s not possible to die.
John: It’s because what is real doesn’t pass away. When you lie down to go to sleep, you are relating to what is real. You’re not thinking that way. It isn’t dependent on a concept of yours. The truth of it is intrinsic to you.
Q: So the whole controlling is just an idea – that I don’t open to it, that I don’t let go through me?
John: It’s that instead of stopping it from going through you which gives it energy, give your energy to what nurtures you. Give your energy directly to meaning within. That draws you, awareness, directly into a restedness. There isn’t anything that really enables you to relax but meaning. When you’re relating to meaning, you relax.
Q: What do you mean by “to relate to meaning”?
John: In your self you relate to the meaning of things, which is a separation from meaning. So then you relate, from within your self, to gaining what is meaningful to you and you fear losing what is meaningful to you. So all of your polarization has to do with your connection to meaning.
When you’re being what you really are, instead of looking for meaning, you are at rest directly within in meaning. It isn’t the meaning of something. It’s you. Without you being meaning you couldn’t even relate to the meaning of something. All of your polarization is linked to you being meaning and then you being separate from that, and looking for what you are in your self or outside of your self, instead of you being gentled and quieted in it. It isn’t you being meaningful: that’s a performance. It’s you being what meaning is. Meaning is what you are. It’s permanent. It wouldn’t matter how much you distort your self, how much you separate. As soon as you fundamentally relax, you are meaning – meaning that is incorruptible. You can directly be it, which is you being home, or you can separate from it, which puts you on a search for meaning. Everything you do when you’re separate is to acquire meaning, acquire what you’ve separated from.
As you reach the tipping point of falling asleep all that remains, with everything gone, is that you are at home being meaning. You are meaning. At the tipping point of falling asleep you’re not a person, you’re not a self, you are not self-aware. What you are at the tipping point is meaning aware. It is absolute fulfillment. You are at home in what you really are.
How you fall asleep is the way for you to live. Instead of relaxing out of your forms in lying down to go to sleep, you relax that deeply: you are that at home in what you really are within your forms. There’s nothing that you can do to make you better. In being meaning there isn’t anything that you can gain and there isn’t anything that you can lose, so everything that you have of form remains for expression of what you really are.
It’s like what you see within the innocence of a small child. That child doesn’t do what it does to acquire happiness. That child is happy without a reason, and everything that it does expresses that intrinsic happiness. That is you being the same as your being. Your being is form of what you really are. You can’t corrupt it and you also can’t make it better. It’s already complete and perfect form of you. Your self isn’t like that and it doesn’t need to be.
Q: This – what I am – nothing can happen to it.
John: Just like when you lie down to go to sleep, you’re not afraid of never returning. You’re not afraid of disappearing. You’re not afraid of turning into nothing. You’re at home in all of that. There isn’t anything that can happen to you.
Q: I think the mixture, the error that I made is that I thought this, the most precious – probably because of the love I have for my sister – can go away. But it is not true. It cannot. It is what I am, is what you are, she is, what we all are. It can’t die.
John: You had, and have, and will forever have a bond with her. The bond is a direct connectivity of being. It’s what was real between the two of you.
Q: It’s true.
John: Her dying doesn’t separate you from your bond with her. It remains as the same connectivity that you had with her before. It is your real connectivity. When you are in the bond with her you don’t miss her. When you are in the bond, you love her. Within the bond you are in direct enjoyment of her. You have that bond with you. When you are in a core relaxation you are in a direct bond with meaning. That meaning is you. As you, meaning, are absolutely still then you are not even meaning aware. You are meaning. What you are is nothing. You, nurturingly, don’t exist. As soon as you, meaning, are aware, you love. Love is your movement. It’s your mobility. It’s how you relate. You’re not an individual, loving. You are love.
Q: I know that I am love and not somebody who is connected to love.
John: In all this that I’m saying, I’m not giving you concepts. I see you and am speaking to you. I’m using words to directly appeal to you. They are not just words: they are words full of you.