Q: When I arrived here a lot of people were asking me, “When are you getting married? And I had a lot of resistance to marriage, and I didn’t understand the meaning of marriage. I’d never seen any models of real relationship or what a bond was or how two people could really move together and help each other on the journey. I’ve had a lot of flip-outs in myself around it, and I wanted to ask you how I can keep moving forward when the panic buttons hit in me. It’s hard to distinguish what’s my self and what’s the higher future-self, where I want to move so I get confused. I’m experiencing a lot of fear in my body right now around this issue.
John: The fear informs you of the boundaries in your self that are threatened. Focus on the dearness that you have toward him. Everything around that is changeable. The dearness isn’t changeable. It will be there after both of you have died, and everything that was around it will be gone.
Q: So for me is it just to keep relating to the dearness?
John: Begin with what you are first clear about, of the two of you together, before any emotional charges started to come in, before any familiarity set in. Dearness is the fruit of that clarity.
When you have an emotional charge, it doesn’t tell you the deeper truth of anything. It shows you what you haven’t integrated in your self. It doesn’t matter how right you think you are. When you have an emotional charge, you’re blind. Begin with your original clarity that there was between the two of you, and then be in the dearness that is there underneath everything. When you are in that dearness, your blindness is being removed. Within the dearness, your eyes are opened to what is real. Dearness frees you of the self you’re used to. Dearness connects your deeper beingness, your heart, and your deeper self, all experienced in your self. It fills your usual self with what matters.
The truth that dearness tells you is that you know you love. Within the dearness that’s there, you don’t relate to gaining control or losing control. The dearness tells you that the two of you are together.
Q: I could feel when you were speaking that it was taking quite awhile for me to really come up and be able to shift or hear. Then it shifted and I could feel more expansiveness from my body. There’s less fear in that because that feels like I’m moving out rather than being stuck in. Is that why I experience a lot of sleepiness, John?
John: Most of your energy goes to what you are used to in your self. All of that energy that you put into your self belongs to what you know in your heart. All of that energy then really moves. It moves into your self, making real in your self, in your experience, what you know in your heart.
Q: So what you’re saying is that it’s first in the heart regardless of the self or not.
John: Yes. For you a relationship is like a one-legged stool. If you don’t balance just right, you fall over. If you relax without a thought, you fall over. If you get up off of the stool, it falls over and it isn’t ready for you to sit in. When you give real form to the meaning that you know in your relationship, based on your own real clarity, that form being commitment to the meaning that’s there, then you no longer have a one-legged stool – you have a chair that is ready for your sitting.
The support to you being meaning is much greater. You won’t have that support without you giving meaning its support. What you put into meaning of form is the meaning that supports your self. It won’t support any charge in your sel. It supports the goodness in your self. That goodness in your self comes from what you know in your heart. The goodness of a one-legged stool is indisputable, and the goodness of a chair is the more.
Q: Right now sitting here I can connect more with listening to my heart. It’s been such a struggle to hear even that little bit in my heart with so much power in my self.
John: The power in your self belongs to what you know in your heart. The self empowered not from within the heart isn’t real.
Q: That’s really beautiful. It puts it all into perspective. I can see where I’ve been lost in a haze. Now I can see.
John: Give the power that you can feel in your self to any little bit of dearness between the two of you. Any little bit of dearness in you to him. Your heart opens and all of that power goes into the deeper levels in you and in your body. These deeper levels open and move to him. All of that power turns into real and deeper levels of communication. It puts you into your real capacity and ability to meet, be together, and commune. An emotional charge in your self separates you from that. It’s not real.
When you’re together, begin with all that is there after the two of you have died, and in that, together, live. That’s a real relationship.