Q: What is real talking? What is real listening? What is real touching, relating, and what is communicating sexually without coming from my innocence? That is the other big issue that I wanted to talk to you. A couple of years ago I heard myself saying to myself “I want my innocence back” and it sounds silly, but I want to know what is my natural flow of sexual energy and connecting. I just see so much falseness in how I related in the past.
John: Your penis is your heart and you have given it away to your mind, so what is really your heart is no longer of your essence and of what you know. It is now of your mind. It is truly your heart and it is truly only of what you know. It is a vehicle of truth, not a vehicle for you. As soon as want and need enter into the heart, then the heart sells itself, within the penis, to the mind. The energy that is of your penis is truly the highest and the most exquisite of the expressions of truth, like the most sacred.
When your heart takes into itself want and need, then that want and need now directs itself through the highest and the most exquisite vehicle of truth, which then reduces the energy of what the penis is, and what it is of the heart. It reduces that energy to the very lowest and the most coarse. Its power, now, is given away to the mind.
Once its power is given away to the mind, then what you have is a penis-mind, but that now is the most common denominator of where the mind always goes: moving, in want and need, now through the lowest and most coarse energy.
Within the mind that makes the penis the very center of the universe: everything is enslaved to it. This lowest energy is now used in trying to go home. It is the foremost expression, now, of control. It is now still being the heart, and representing the heart as being the master taker.
When the penis-mind meets a woman, the woman intuitively knows its exquisite energy, that it is truly all heart, and the woman relates to such an energy by yearning for love, yearning for home, yearning for truth. And the woman that knows what she is would, with all kindness and gentleness, let the penis and the mind be separate, which leaves the energy within you back in your heart. When it is back in your heart, then it is no longer the lowest and the most coarse energy but it is realized, again, as being the most exquisite and very sweetly sacred. It is only for the expression of truth. Then the penis drops out of the mind, with the heart, and then the mind is free of it.
For the penis-minded man, this is the loss of his identity. The penis within the mind promises the most and is the most disappointing within the heart. To let this energy drop out of the mind, with the heart, that is like, within your mind, losing everything that you have laid store in. Who and what would you be without that energy, knowing that you can have that energy any time you want to? When honesty enters into the mind, with the heart, then honesty lets the penis go, with all of its energy, and this energy returns home. Then within your mind you are no longer the same. It has been all of your direction. The common denominator of your means has been this energy and it is that energy that most basically describes you. That energy has permeated every structure in your mind. Where it looks in your mind, your heart runs. What it fears in your mind, your heart dreads.
Sexuality has no meaning until the whole of this energy is freed from having to be in the mind, which is the dying of your want and your need, your identity as a man. Then sexuality – its energy – is equated with the most sacred, the most honourable, the most quiet of tender merging. It is the heart’s capacity to experience its oneness, its true oneness with another and, for such an expression, a whole base of being has to come in place between two: a living base of being, realized in the heart, that knows of this expression, that understands the exquisiteness of its expression of truth, and of knowing and of home. Then this energy has a base in which to be love in form and there is no controlling energy in it, no coarseness. It is the purest fineness. It is the cleanest fineness of truth. It is the highest expression of being.
Q: How did I lose it? How did it get so distorted, and how can I ever be, without being home, allowed to do anything with it? Is it just to hang in there and to wait, and to see, feel the pain of all the destruction?
John: To let your eyes open, to just simply see the penis-mind, to see what it has done to your own heart, to see what it has done to the hearts of other women:
just letting yourself see what you have done with this energy, and let it most gently break your heart. Then you begin to awaken to the sacred. Then this energy within your heart, no longer captured within the mind because it was given to it, then this sexual energy is heart energy. Then your heart is able to move and merge and see with anything in the universe.
This energy is the manifestation of no separation, the manifestation of oneness.
Then in your heart you realize, through this energy, how exquisitely sweet it is to know your oneness in all things without that having anything at all to do with what you think you are as a man, that this energy has nothing to do at all
with the penis that was in your mind.
This is the energy that tells – when there is a real true base for it – this is the energy that tells a woman who she is. It takes nothing from her, and it gives everything to her. It is the energy that shows her her own home. It is the energy that lets her completely relax without losing anything at all. There is no identity in this energy. There is not a man in this energy. There is only the most exquisite of heart in this energy. Where the confusion of your identity and the confusion of sexuality in it, the penis is to be free to come out of the mind, freeing both the mind and itself, and it just simply returns home and then it is no longer the lowest and the coarsest energy in the mind, but it is now the highest and the finest energy in the heart.
Q: This penis in the mind also distorts, poisons all other forms of expression and causes frustration.
John: With each breath it inhales promises and it exhales with disappointment.
Q: That is true. Is there a way that I could put my head into your hands and get back there in one stroke?
John: Letting your manhood, or what you regard as being your manhood, letting it go forever. When it is no longer yours, then you find out what it is. For the mind then, for your whole heart to go home, that is, for your mind, the complete loss of your penis and everything that it has ever meant to you, and your identity goes with it.
Q: I don’t have any choice. It is enough.
John: Then all that comes up of your heart is now only the sun, and then you are left in love with being able to wonderfully differentiate between the mind and the sacredness of what you know in your heart. And it is now reserved only for the expression of truth, and within the proper base there is infinite room of expression – just no longer your expression.
Q: I have so much longing for that! Expression through the you is gone. There is so much of the burden of a jail. I loved so much the other day, what you said, when you allow yourself to be replaced by goodness a young little boy will emerge: innocence, and with ancient awareness. This touched me so deeply. May I ask you one more question? This that you said to me now leaves me with a feeling of helplessness and I just don’t know how to be in a relationship.
John: Are you in one?
Q: I am in one. This question that comes: how can one ever be in a relationship – a man with a woman – not being home?
John: To the degree that you are home, it is a real relationship, so now it would be mixed. Part of it is real and part of it is just imaginary, driven by fantasy and control. Within your relationship, let honesty completely take you apart: not her, just you.
Q: She doesn’t need it. It feels to me she is already falling apart.
John: Let grace handle her and let grace handle you. And it is enough for the two of you to just simply be together, and in all of the brokenness of heart and the loss of identity, love shows you the way.
Tantra is real, but it is only the pure of heart that will ever see it. The penis-mind cannot imagine it, will never find it. And this is good. The penis-mind will never win; it can only defile itself. Let honesty endlessly win.