JdR Podcast 437
Parenting from Your Deepest Clarity
"How can I find me, again?" In the midst of the challenges of being a new mother, the young woman in this dialogue feels that she's lost touch with the depth she once knew. John shares what matters, and gives her a very practical tip.
"When you are rested in your deeper heart, you’re not oriented to your experience of your self. You’re oriented to a depth of inner quietude from which all your deeper beingness flows."
—John de Ruiter
With John de Ruiter from the February 20, 2021 Interactive Live Stream
Q: Hello John.
Q: This last year was pretty amazing for me. As you probably know I have a child. He is one year old. Being a mother is life-changing for me – so much love around it and so much stuff. I mostly feel like things are not happening. I hate the home that I’m living in and the environment. It’s like a bad circle of circumstance that I don’t know how to take my self out of. It’s like I lost me in the way. How can I find me again?
John: By being in your heart instead of being your self. It’s in your heart that you know the truth. It isn’t in your self that you know the truth. When you’re residing in your heart, you’re in real knowledge. It’s not an informational knowledge; it’s direct knowledge of being, such as the knowing, within, of openness and softness. It’s a beingness. It’s a flow. That gives you clarity on what to be in your self, so you’re being your deeper heart in the midst of your self. That beingness makes clear, in your thinking, what to do. It’s beingness that informs what to do, not thought.
As a deeper beingness moves in your mind you come into clear thinking. That clear thinking needs to have form, which means an action and doing. But it’s all from the inside out. First you residing in your deeper heart, and being what manner of being that you know in your heart, you being that unconditionally in the midst of your self, in the midst of your mind and your life, and as you become clear in your thinking what kind of doing, what kind of action suits this deeper inner beingness, then you must do.
It’s being what you more deeply know and then doing what you more deeply know. Without the doing you’ll separate from being. If you’re dwelling within the deeper beingness, you will naturally do in a way that suits that deeper beingness, at whatever personal cost. It isn’t going to suit your self. Your actions and your movement in life will suit a deeper beingness. You’ll be making plans that suit a deeper beingness instead of making plans that suit your sense of self and the kind of life you’d like to have for your self.
Q: It is so clear when you speak to me and I look at you, but in the minute that I don’t have this eye contact and I’m going back to my life, then I’m lost and I believe my self and sometimes I feel that my self is so strong that I don’t know which voice is my heart voice …
John: Then, when you are in clarity, a clarity that arises from this deeper beingness and this deeper flow, this deep inner flow as it moves in your thinking informs you of clear thought, and there you know what to do. That knowing what to do arises out of this deeper beingness. As soon as you have that clarity, write it down. The experience will leave, and after it’s gone, at all personal cost, do what you’ve written.
Q: Okay. So this anger and depressed feelings that I have are because I’m not doing what I know to do?
Q: Why is it so hard for me? The anger?
John: It arises out of the frustration in your ability to do in your self and with your self in a way that matches what you really are. But that matching doesn’t come from doing in your self to satisfy this deeper level of you. The deep inner satisfaction comes from you being what you really are, which does not come from your self. It doesn’t come from you being your self. It comes from you being your deeper heart.
Q: I can be really upset or really angry that I don’t have time for my self, and it is so hard to be mother, and I find my self going from one depression to one happy mood very easily during the day. I was pregnant and you told me “listen very carefully. It’s a nine month preparation of how to be two different beings in two different bodies.”
John: In one body. Two beings in your body.
Q: But now we are two beings in two different bodies. So it’s very hard sometimes.
John: When you’re being your self, yes. When you are rested in your deeper heart, never. When you are rested in your deeper heart you’re not oriented to your sense of self, to your self, to your experience of your self. You’re oriented to a depth of inner quietude, from which all your beingness, your deeper beingness, flows. Then you are not belonging to your self. You belong to that great depth within.
Q: Why do I always go back there to my self? Why? Why I always go in between?
John: Because it has greater form, which means greater attraction, greater pull, greater influence, and this genetic self of yours, which is predominantly not real but actual, is in the midst of outer environments that suit your self. The self is polarized. The environment that you live in is polarized so it’s a whole other level of outer form that influences your thinking, your feeling, your will. So there’s a great amount of form in your self and in the world that is the predominant influence on your mind. It’s going to have the strongest pull, the greatest say, unless you are deeply rested within, gentled and quieted in your heart, and then the voice of your self, the inner dialogue and the voice of the world isn’t what reaches you. It isn’t what speaks to you. You’re already reached by the depth within. That’s what you’re listening to, so then the subtlety of being is what you are, and a subtlety of being is what moves you.
You, restedness, is deeper within than all of the levels of inner dialogue, so then your genetic self and the world doesn’t lay hold of you. You are already laid hold of by your deeper heart, your depth of listening within, your being, and as that gets to have your outer life plans, your actions, then it’s the deep, interior within that gets to have the form on the level of your self and on the level of your life in the world. But that is like a salmon turning and going upstream, at absolutely any cost.
Q: Do you think it is possible that some day I will change and this self won’t bother me anymore? Or be other self than what it is now?
John: Yes. But not without you belonging to your deeper heart, belonging to what you know in your heart, and giving that movement, voice and action in your self and in the world. It’ll cost you your sense of self. Your self-orientation. And of that, what develops within the whole field of your self is a deeper self, a higher self, a true and real self that is the same as your deeper heart and your being.
Q: As you’re saying that my mind starts to calculate what I need to give up on.
Q: It is so scary!
John: For your self, but not for your deeper heart. For your deeper heart it’s love. For your self it’s cost and risk.
Q: My dream is to be a good mother. And I feel it’s the only way.
John: You will not be a better mother without you being your deeper heart. Not to be a better mother: being your deeper heart because that’s the truth you know, and that will form your self in relationship with your child.
Bye for now.
Q: Thank you.
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