Q: The more I feel in my being, the worse I feel. My subjective well-being is getting worse. It even affects my health. The self is stronger since I have cleared a lot of rubble from my presence. I find it harder to live my life. The dissonance is greater the more I progress and now it’s almost impossible. I’m trying to be at ease, at peace, to accept, but the self is taking hold. I’m not in control of my behaviour or my feelings, and even when I try to open and soften, to accept, I find it hard to understand what exactly I’m feeling. I feel the self stronger.

John: You’re on track. As you stay with this, it’ll get worse. As you reside in profound realization, your okayness to rest in it, to relax in it, to be at home in it, you are unwittingly giving permission for your subconsciousness to freely move up into your conscious self. That brings a depth of chaos into your experience. It gives you the experience in your self that you’re losing control, that your self is less and less what you thought it was, and that your self is being submersed into something that you can’t understand, and the effect of that appears to be not good.

When you awaken to the deep, within, and you say yes to it, that you rest in it, you are unlocking the barrier between your conscious self and your subconscious self. You’re letting go of your use of polarization in your self. That frees everything that you’ve avoided in your self and in your life to come up into your experience. Everything that you’ve feared and suppressed that is in your subconsciousness, you’re giving permission for all of that to move.

As this moves and you remain being the quiet, deep within, your self comes into wholeness. The wholeness isn’t an experience. It isn’t an experience of wholeness; it’s the reality of wholeness. You’re coming into all of your self. All of your subconscious self becomes a part of your awareness in your self. Your self comes into a oneness.

As that first occurs it isn’t a full oneness. It is a full blend, the blending of your subconsciousness and your conscious self, so then you begin to experience the whole of your self. That can be profoundly disturbing. The reality of it is that it is profoundly good. It’s what is actual and real of the condition of your self. It’s the whole condition of your self, a condition that is no longer split.

As you remain what you really are in the midst of all of that, your self heals. It slowly becomes what you’re being in it. What you first come to know of your self, the whole of your self, the whole blend, is its condition. That condition isn’t yet your self; it is its condition. You being what you really are in the deep, in the midst of the whole condition of your self, heals the condition.

As the condition heals, then you begin to know your self. Your self, despite the condition that it’s in, is good, and you have it. It’s the form that you have in this life for you to manifest what you really are, and all of its unseen forms, the unseen forms of your own being, all of its levels and regions, belong up into your self. But it can all only come up into the whole of your self. As that begins to move, the contrast of the levels and regions of your own being with the condition of your self, the whole of your self, is shocking. And it heals.

It only heals if you’re being what you have already profoundly realized, if you’re being that in the midst of the blend. As soon as you’re relating to the blend, you’re not relating to what you know in what you’ve realized – the profound realization. Your relating as awareness needs to be directly and only to your profound realization. Your relating as awareness needs to be completely to what you most deeply, quietly know, while you are moving within all of the blend and your experience of the blend. There is no real other way. Any other way separates you from realization, from what you most deeply, quietly know, and also begins to separate your self from your subconscious self.

You unconditionally being what you really are in the midst of all of the blend of who you are heals your self and makes you, together with all that is yours, one. What is in your life isn’t yours, even though you may have some surface control of it. What is yours is your self, your person, and your body. When you’re being what you really are within all that is yours, it all does come together, but on the terms of what you really are.

Q: But the self is not just something you experience. It’s something that acts. It behaves. It changes things in your life that can actually be dangerous. It’s something that you are, and it’s very hard just to stand on the side and experience it. You most of the time identify your self with it. It is your self.

John: That doesn’t reflect what you know you really are. Its actual condition is very poor, and every movement of it shows it. That its condition, its actual condition, is that poor isn’t at all bad. Awakening reveals its condition.

The self is somewhat like a water barrel that has a lot of dirt in it, and you’re able to let the dirt settle, and you can put a false bottom on top of all the sediment, and you can convince your self, in how you experience it, that everything is not so bad. But when you come into a profound awakening and you are most deeply saying ‘yes’ in it, you are unwittingly removing the false bottom of your water barrel, and, as you do, that moves all the water including the sediment at its bottom, making your experience of your self most unpleasant. It’s unpleasant and confusing. It isn’t you, but it is the self you have, and as you move as your self in life, you experience its condition.

As you’re in this, love the difference between you and the self you have.