JdR Podcast 394

Why A Relationship Won't Answer Your Aloneness

One of the most common misunderstandings people face is the belief that a relationship will complete them. This dialogue reveals why that isn't so and how being fundamentally free of this misconception is the beginning of true readiness for a meaningful relationship.

"Deep within, not needing to have a man is the very beginning of your being able to be with a man, without which you’ll be making him to be something that he’s not: the fulfiller of a fundamental need of yours."

—John de Ruiter

Podcast Transcript

With John de Ruiter from the June 6, 2009 Copenhagen, Denmark Event

Q: My focus in life is deepening my relationship with the divine, but life lets me confront my relationship with men. It seems like I always experience the same story again and again.

John: That’s because you need a man when you don’t. Your need of being with a man disables you from being able to really be with a man. You’re being with your need of something, instead of actually being able to be with a man. Until you see that, you won’t be able to see. It’s your own need of something that disintegrates what you achieve through that need.

Your deep within not needing to have a man is the very beginning of your being able to be with a man, without which you’ll be making him to be something that he’s not: the fulfiller of a fundamental need of yours. If it isn’t on profound terms that you are with another, if it isn’t on pre-personal terms, you won’t be really seeing the other, meaning also that you are predisposed to not be seen.

Q: How can I really let go of the idea that I need something? How can I really get there?

John: You would have to shift to a completely different level, within. You would have to realize what real, undiminishable value is, within. You’d have to realize what it is, within, that is worth dying for. What isn’t realized, within, as really worth-full of dying for, you also won’t be able to live for. In living for something other than that, you’ll never be able to have enough of what you grasp. More will never be enough. That will have you wanting even more. In living that way, within, as common as it is, you’ll be living slowly emptying your self of meaning, emptying your self of you.

The only real kind of change is one that goes all the way through to the root, to the very root of what you are, requiring an openness to see, to see your self as you presently are in your self; to see your self as is. Without really seeing all of your self as is, you won’t be able to realize your part in having created such a self. You won’t be able to know you. The changes that you make then, as well-meaning as you might feel them to be, will be made for your self instead of for you.

Being unrealized, within, makes you, within, invisible; needing a man so that you can become visible, making you even more invisible. This isn’t at all particular to you. It is the most common misunderstanding of what a relationship provides. It’s the most common misunderstanding of what we are, within, as if a need satisfied answers you.

A need of yours being satisfied, the need of a man, the need of having a man being satisfied in you, won’t answer you. At best, you’ll be attracting a man to your self that befits the kind of self that you have. Realizing what doesn’t work isn’t so that you can repeat it again, but rather, that you see. Seeing means realizing what stands before everything. What stands on its own, as meaning, not dependent on having or achieving something, is able then to both have and achieve without losing something; without you losing you.

To be open to realizing such meaning, within, is the beginning of the end of how you view your self; no longer using what self you have to find satisfaction or even profound satisfaction. The real satisfaction comes from your being what is undiminishable, cannot be reduced, isn’t dependent on anything having to be a certain way. It is what you are, within, that precedes everything else that you are, within. To know that is for you, deep within, to be fundamentally free of what you think you need.

Q: I have to let go of a deep fear in order to realize who I am?

John: Are you a deep fear?

Q: No. I assume not.

John: Then you won’t lose you in letting go of deep fear. What you will lose is your use of your self; using your self to supply what it isn’t capable of giving you. The real fear then from such a pattern is to no longer use anything that you have used so far to be complete within. Real completeness, within, doesn’t come from your needing something to make you so.

Q: But this abandonment fear, it doesn’t block me from the real me?

John: Then you have no more use of fear, making it, in you, gone. It stays only if you need it. If you have a subconscious use for fear, it is because you still need fear.

Q: Why do I still need it?

John: Because you simply being you is, for you, not enough. That has you grasping for something that is other than you, other than just simply you; grasping something to make complete what already is complete on its own.

Q: Why is it not enough for me to be me?

John: Because then all there really is, deep within, is only you. You need for this whole world to exist, and all that’s in it, and all of the forms that you have, to hide you from being alone.

Q: Can you explain it again, please?

John: You don’t want to be alone.

Q: Why?

John: Because you don’t believe you, making you then no longer satisfied with just you; making aloneness, within, intolerable; making your self then what it isn’t; making others then what they are actually not; making everything in this world then what it actually isn’t: a supplier of your need, within, to be not alone.

Whatever you touch from that, you make separate from you because, if you don’t, then your hiding place, within, is struck, and all there is, is you alone. What supplies you with you being fundamentally answered, within, is really only you. What you are, then, is most delicate meaning, complete. Only that, on its own, to the core, within a woman, can be with the same in a man.

Q: Can you explain this again, please?

John: Only meaning-complete can be with meaning-complete. Know you, without anything, without a man. Love you, without anything, without a man. That will make you, within your self, ready, if possible, for such a man. Go to the core where there is within all emptiness pure you – not at all empty – complete, and not actually having need of anything. Meaning then, you, then, are able to recognize meaning on its own. First you, and then what is available of the same. Not to make complete what isn’t complete, but as completeness being able to be with the same, enabling complete communication of meaning.

Q: Thank you.

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