Real Listening: Empowering the Feminine in You

What is the energy of the feminine? Listening and being available, open and soft in the midst of strong and uncomfortable feelings. It's what you love, it's what you really are.

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This dialogue also appeared on VOD-000

Video Transcript

With John de Ruiter from the February 24, 2019 Rishikesh, India Event

Q: Somewhere I have the feeling that the masculinity in us should also have a place in the spiritual way. The feminine power is more softness and openness, and I feel masculine powers in myself sometimes, and I don’t know where to direct them.

John: To the feminine. Your first movement of being is feminine and not masculine, so if you gravitate to the masculine you will override your being. The meaning of the masculine is the feminine in the masculine.

Q: What do you mean override?

John: You will overlook it and leave it. If you favour a masculine energy at the expense of a feminine energy, you’ll leave your heart and you’ll function in your self in a way that isn’t true to what you really are. A masculine energy is an obvious power. A feminine energy is a more subtle power. If you favour the stronger over the subtle, you’ll leave the subtle and you’ll be out of balance.

Q: For example, listening to somebody: right now I am listening to you and I’m trying to not be trying to listen to you!

John: That’s masculine.

Q: Yes, I know.

John: If you like listening, that’s feminine. Liking listening doesn’t disempower you. It means you’re genuinely available for whatever it is that you are able to know the truth of in what you hear. Really listening to what I’m saying to you doesn’t make you believe what I’m saying. It just means that you are genuinely available to what I’m saying to you.


The deep listening to me comes from you, which means that you are actually looking for whatever it is that is the same as deepest you. You’re looking for that in what I’m saying. If it isn’t there, then there is nothing for you in what I say. You genuinely listening to me doesn’t empower me; it empowers you.


Q: Why?

John: Because you’re incapable of listening at all without being you. The real listening means you are there. Listening for what is real in what anyone says. That doesn’t predispose you to believing others; it predisposes you to believe anything you know the truth of in what anyone says to you. That empowers you. That means you’re open to hear the truth, regardless of the source.

Q: So the form of the source really doesn’t matter at all?

John: Yes. If someone is really mean to you, always mistreating you, then sharply says something to you in a very cutting way, then it might be appropriate for you to say: “Oh, I like what you’re saying” – not the way they are saying it but you like what they are saying, because you see what they are saying of you is true. If you are tending to the truth within you will find it everywhere outside of your self and you’ll let that speak to you. It doesn’t matter from whom.

Q: So according to what you’ve just said, it doesn’t really matter where I am or who the people are around me.

John: First, it doesn’t matter. Once that’s settled and you’re being what you really are regardless of who you are with, then you discover some who you are with and some circumstances you are in that really draw out what you really are. You favour being with those people and in those circumstances because it appeals to what you really are. That’s what you really are getting help from outside of your self. Attend to that help. To turn away from that help out of a sense of independence is you empowering your self, your sense of self, your sense of identity and independence, at the expense of what you really are.

Q: What am I using the sense of independence for?

John: To be a separate, successful or unsuccessful identity, either one is better than nothing. You would rather fail in being your self than be what you really are. A part of you is like that. You’re not all separate. There is a part of you that loves being what you really are, that favours that in many circumstances, but when that pressure gets to be a certain point you favour your comfort, your sense of independence, even if that is painful.

Q: I think it’s really mixed in in myself because the independence is my comfort, to really suffer, to find myself in really hard situations and succeed in them; it’s somehow mixed all around, and it really confuses me because there is part of me that really tries to suffer as much as I can.

John: A part of you also finds false comfort in confusion. Confusion is grounding for you. If you don’t feel okay, that is ungrounding in your self. It feels ungrounding. You can save your self from feeling ungrounded by being confused. As soon as you’re confused you are grounding in your intellect by messing it up a little bit. Your intellect messed up a little bit by you enables you to experience your intellect, your mind in your self, which grounds you.

Q: In the middle of your last sentence, I felt somewhere an impatience of the crowd, of the people.

John: You already have what you directly know. If you feel like those in the room are becoming impatient with you, it’s not going to your mind to see what you know is true. What you know is true, in the midst of the feeling that others are impatient with you, is for you to be like this. (John opens and extends his hand). What you first know is true is not a thought, not a concept, not your self; it’s beingness, and it’s not this kind, (John makes a fist) it’s this kind (opens his hand).

Q: In these situations and sometimes when I’m alone, I have a feeling that comes up with a story and I try to peel the story and have the feeling. Many stories come up when these strong feelings come.

John: When those strong feelings come up, for you to be regardless of that feeling, like making that really easy. If difficulty satisfies you, then when you have uncomfortable feelings you’ll go to your mind. If beingness is what reaches you, then when you feel uncomfortable, you will open and you will like opening. There the discomfort, the feeling reminds you, through contrast, what you love.

Q: Thank you.

John: When you are oriented to your heart and what is deeper, everything that feels like this (closes fist) reminds you of your love of this (opens hand), and there you are.

Q: It’s really tiring for me.

John: It’s tiring for this (closed fist) to work on and figure out how to be this (open hand).

Q: But not for me, just for this.

John: You love being this (opens hand). That’s it. That’s your real way.

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