Q: I find myself again and again having sex with my partner to avoid him becoming annoyed with me. I’m not comfortable with that.
John: Now that you see it you won’t do it any more.
Q: It is as simple as that?
John: No longer giving something away in order to avoid something. Sex is only for something much more lovely than that.
Q: I know.
John: Only. But that will have you dealing with the relationship. Then you’ll be dealing with those things that you haven’t wanted to deal with.
Q: Sometimes he’s been so annoyed that he’s broken off the relationship. Last time that happened I was very comfortable with it, but whenever I relax like that he comes back. I somehow never support the breakup of the relationship. I don’t know if that’s real or a distortion in me. I sometimes wonder if I’m being stubborn in remaining together.
John: Then you’re being something that you know is less than a woman.
Q: It doesn’t matter that it is uncomfortable to be real?
John: Not in the least.
Q: And I don’t have to worry about whether he will stay or go?
John: Never. But if he does go, very kindly let him see what he’s doing so that he is not able to make it about you; so that he sees he is doing something because of what is in himself.
Regarding what you said earlier, as soon as he feels that he is entitled to sex, that is when he doesn’t deserve it. Don’t reinforce within him something that is not real. Support him in what you know is real.
Q: I’m sorry to have reinforced that.
John: Then, very gently, don’t do that anymore. If the emphasis is on gentleness, if he leaves you he will know that he is leaving goodness. A relationship is really worth something, but what the relationships is to sit in is worth even more than the relationship itself.
Q: The relationship is to sit in goodness?
John: That is where your real womanness is, and you so gently never compromise that. Sex isn’t for his pleasure. It is for the highest level of real communication, a higher level of communication that you unquestionably know is good. Don’t let it be reduced to something that is less than that. Then, instead of denying him, you would be gently calling him to a higher level. If he doesn’t respond, then you cannot give him what he wants. When he loves that he is not entitled to something, then he’s beginning to see. He will not approve of this unless he’s being honest.
Q: And I can only invite his honesty?
John: It has much to do with you gently upholding what you know, while including him. That gives him a chance to see. He just hasn’t grown up because of what he thought he could have while growing up. He allowed himself to get caught by something that he knows he doesn’t need. That turns him into something that is less than a real man. Instead of him being profoundly real, which is something that is not common in this world, he is actually an embarrassment to himself. When you are being real womanness, it gives him a chance to return.
Q: And I will know how to be real womanness?
John: That is not something that is new to you. You do know. Study within these concepts. Let them become fully reasonable to you until you really understand them, and then apply them.
Q: To study within is to let the heart study it?
John: Until it makes such wonderful sense to you. If it does not make wonderful sense to you then you will not be able to make sense of it to him. Then he will just have you looking silly. If it is not making wonderful sense within yourself, you will not be able to give this to him. It is for you to have him seeing that you are giving him something that is really good. You cannot call him into what is higher unless you are embodying what is higher; not just knowing what is higher but really bringing that into wonderful form, within yourself, and giving that to him.
If he is not receiving your real womanness without needing to have your body, then he will never understand your body. The real womanness comes first. The other is its support, but only if the first is received. It is about what is most real, first.
Q: Can I embody real womanness little by little?
John: But not part-time – little by little all of the time.