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From Insanity To Real Balance: The Choice Of Awareness

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When: October 23, 2003
Afternoon Meeting
Where: ,

Q: A little while ago someone was talking about madness or becoming insane, and that happened to me. I was searching for something and I became mad, and I damaged my self a little bit. If you find that you’re moving further and further from your self into self-corruption, what is the way to come out of that?

John: The tender value of very fine balance. When you are sensitive to a very fine balancing within, then that is you returning to balance even when you feel out of balance.  

Q: So it’s not so much about chemistry or neurobiology, the chemicals or the neurotransmitters that are not working properly. Can you find that balance anyway?

John: The real balancing comes from what you are being as awareness. When your imbalance that shows up physically and chemically is treated from the outside, then that isn’t actually balancing you. That is just chemically balancing what is happening in your body, but what brought your body to that point was how you were being in it. So the real balance has to come from the change of you.  

Q: A lot of darkness came up during that break. How do I deal with a tremendous amount of darkness? It almost tortures me; it doesn’t let me be.

John: By you not being towards it the way it is being towards you. By you being gentle with it, you being kind to it, you taking care of it.  

Q: Is that an attitude or a decision?

John: It is a choice of awareness, that when that choice of awareness is made, it later shows up in form as a decision. But it is not the decision that does it. As soon as you think that it is the decision that does it, then you’ll decide to be a certain way and you’ll find that it just doesn’t last because the decision didn’t come from the beginning.  

Q: What do you mean by “from the beginning?”

John: Real choice. The decision didn’t come from what you are as awareness. The decision started from within your will because you perceived a certain advantage in being a certain way. In wanting something for your self, then you’ll start half-way.  

When it is something that you’re knowing is true within, and you’re surrendering to it, then you will start from the very beginning. That is where the tiniest little bit within is so much enough. Then there is always the beginning that lives within genuineness. Then sincerity within is worth so much more than results.  

If results mean the most to you, then you will be insincere in everything. You will always be starting halfway to achieve a result.  

Q: Is it gradual or is it something that happens immediately?

John: If you are immediately, profoundly honest and surrendered within, then it’s immediate.  

Q: Thank you.

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John de Ruiter TRANSCRIPTS

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Q: I’ve just had an operation for breast cancer and the doctors tell me I should do chemotherapy. I’ve decided not to because if I don’t learn to love and respect myself I will have cancer again in a few years, anyway. I’m hoping you can open my heart

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