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John de Ruiter Podcast 472

John de Ruiter Podcast 472

Losing a Loved One: Delicate Connectivity in the Midst of Pain

When: January 25, 2013 @ 7:00pm
Where: ,
A tender conversation on heartbreak, loss, and the ever-present availability of an unbroken, deeper-level connection.
“Know him without the use of memory and you will enjoy him. The subtlety of it doesn’t diminish its meaning.”
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Podcast Transcript

Losing a Loved One: Delicate Connectivity in the Midst of Pain

Q: Hello John, I’ve been moving through a very sensitive time at the moment and I wanted to ask you about the bigger picture. My father passed away and it’s been very difficult for me to process that. On some levels I’m okay; on other levels not so much. When people go back to the source or return back to the greater reality, I get the feeling that on the other side we’re meant to be able to reach them in some way in whatever form they’re in, and on some level it’s like they’re not really apart, and I’ve been wondering, questioning if it’s possible, or maybe that just depends on the level you’re coming from.

John: Did you notice a delicate sweetness after he had passed?

Q: The few hours up to when he passed it was very, very sweet. When he crossed over, it touched my heart. Something in my heart was very moved. I knew he was, or whatever form he was in, was okay.

John: Did you notice a delicate sweetness after he had passed? That’s him. How you are affected in your self in his passing is really all right, and it’s productive, and it eclipses him.

Q: What do you mean by “eclipses him?”

John: The effect of his passing on your self doesn’t keep him from you. It keeps you from him. It’s easy to not notice such subtleties, just as it is also easy to not notice subtleties of your own being. The effect of his passing on your self opens up depths of awareness in your self. While that doesn’t feel good, it is good, and while that’s there, it does eclipse him. And he’s still available, just not in how you would expect.

Q: So how can I become more able to pick up on the subtleties?

John: The subtleties are similar to those of your own being. The difference is that they are his and not yours. You’re able to pick up on them and you don’t need to pick up on them. What you are going through in your self is also good. Two different streams of goodness: one feels good and the other doesn’t feel good.

Q: Would it be right to then just try to relate to the subtleties of my being? That seems terribly painful.

John: That works. It also works for him. He meets you even more, even while you’re not meeting him.

Q: It always felt like I had a very strong heart connection with my father.

John: Your loss covers that and your loss, the loss in your self, is really all right. He helps you and you don’t notice. The loss in your self helps you and you don’t notice. Your not noticing doesn’t make the help less.

Q: I wish I could notice it.

John: The effect of the help isn’t less in your not noticing it. What you are in is good and you’re doing all right. It just doesn’t feel good for you. What is good doesn’t need to feel good, and in your not being able to see that, it doesn’t make what is good, less. It does make you adorable.

Q: Then I get that from my father. When you were speaking earlier about greater reality being like a parent and then reality being like the offspring, and how the self that you come in, you you can exceed it by coming into what we first are, more, and when I was thinking about my dad’s life, he came through so much and I always picked up on ways he was being more in his heart and more of his being than a self, and he always used to say to me, “always follow your higher self.” And he would say so many different things to me and he moved through many difficulties in his life, right to the end. He had a terrible degenerative disease and he was so lovely through the whole of it. And I wanted to ask you how do you honour in following? Like how do you…is it just being more of what’s real?

John: By you relating directly to the tiniest sense that you have of what you’ll be after you have died and you living with that relating. That relating opens up your self, and into your self comes your own deeper beingness, and with that present in your self, you will feel everything. Your pain will increase while the delicateness of your pain soothes.

Q: Is that the purpose of pain?

John: It’s the opportunity that there is in it. The delicateness of the pain or the harshness of the pain is your part. Any harshness of it is your closing. Any delicateness in it is your opening.

Q: Does that apply to pain that you see also outside of your self?

John: Yes.

Q: So when you relate to the pain that you observe or you pick up on outside of your self, with delicateness you’re perpetuating that forward.

John: You’re perpetuating goodness forward, even if you can’t feel it.

Q: Most of the time I felt like that was all I could do for my dad and for everybody else that I came across who were suffering. I saw a lot of people in really bad ways on a self level, physical level. It really broke my heart.

John: Then, with the delicateness and without the breaking.

Q: Having an unbreakable heart?

John: The breaking of your heart is really the reverberations of your self breaking. You feel it as though it’s your heart. It’s your self and it isn’t bad. It’s not hurting anything. It does eclipse the delicateness. With the delicateness you feel everything, without anything breaking. That is how robust your own being is. The breaking of your heart, without that being in any way bad, puts the focus on your self, whereas the delicateness in the pain puts the focus on what is deeper, within, than what your self is, even if you’re not understanding that and even if you cannot feel that. It is what it does. You will, for sure, find out all of this later – perhaps before you die and for sure after you die.

Q: What decides that, though?

John: How you are in what you know but cannot see. The cumulative effect of that accomplishes your seeing before you die. It’s like a garden. What is planted now and taken care of, you will see later. You’ll see later, as in before you die, and everything that has been planted and is being planted that isn’t taken care of, you’ll also see – just not before you die.

Q: So it’s all from individual awareness.

John: Being planted in what it knows but cannot see.

Q: “In what it knows” meaning greater reality, in what it knows of greater reality.

John: And what it knows and doesn’t even realize is greater reality.

Q: So you could be shipwrecked on a desert island and you could still give everything to what you know.

John: Yes.

Q: Is that what evolution is?

John: Of awareness, yes.

Q: So how can one fully evolve from being, or while being and coming from goodness?

John: By not going by what you think and what you feel to tell you what is true concerning anything that matters more than what your self is, and to go by only what little you know, despite what that feels like in your self. It can make you feel empty and desolate in your self, with that later being your garden. You won’t see the garden until later. By the time you see it, you won’t be needing it.

Concerning your father, a little clue: enjoy him without the use of memory. That’s how you were with him, with ease, while you were in your mother’s womb. You were enjoying him without the use of memory. You were enjoying him because you knew him. Know him without the use of memory and you will enjoy him. The subtlety of it doesn’t diminish its meaning.

Q: A few days after he passed, my heart just really wanted to be with him. It felt like I was lifting off, inside. Part of me just wanted to just stay in it and follow it and fold into it, and then it stopped. Is that what you mean?

John: Your wanting to be with him wasn’t in your heart; it was in your self. Your being with him won’t be in the way that you would think. You will most easily not understand.

Q: So then it’s about relating to the subtleties of being.

John: However little they are and seemingly few they are, and while they seem not to provide anything for your self, they do give you the truth. They give you what you need: the truth. They’re being planted in your heart continually. That doesn’t mean that they’re growing. They are growing when knowing in your heart has your attention.

That space is where you and your father are able to meet, most over-lookable because it doesn’t provide for your self. It provides only for you.

In a very noticeable way, yet by the same principle, when you go for a walk in nature, nature doesn’t provide for your self and it is unmistakably providing for you. You don’t need your senses for you to connect with nature; you need your senses for you to be directed to connect with nature.

Q: The senses are like a doorway?

John: Yes.

Q: I feel like I’ve been standing at the doorway for a long while. How do you move through the doorway?

John: Believe. Believe what you know in your heart without the use of your self, without the use of memory.

Q: That’s being entirely new.

John: Now you know your way. And now you know how to notice.

Q: That’s really moving forward.

John: It’s how your garden is watered, the garden that you’ll see later; the garden that you won’t be needing when you’re seeing it. You won’t be needing it; you’ll be loving it.

Q: That’s very beautiful. Thank you, John. You’re a most wonderful and kind teacher.

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