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John de Ruiter Podcast 545

John de Ruiter Podcast 545

From Fighting to Flourishing: A New Way Forward with Your Teenager

When: November 3, 2018 @ 7:00pm
For this mother, who is struggling in relation to her teenage daughter, what begins as a hard lesson to learn becomes a beautiful crossroads that will deeply change them both.
“You’re able to come into a real seeing of what you are in your self, which makes a new difference between you and your daughter.”
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Podcast Transcript

From Fighting to Flourishing: A New Way Forward with Your Teenager

Q: I would love to ask you about my being as a mother. I’m a mother for almost eleven years and I have two gorgeous daughters which I love very much. The older one becomes my teenager. I felt that I’m a good mother – most of the time, not all the time – but now I feel that I’m lost. My daughter brings a lot of anger, jealousy, loneliness. When she was younger it was easier for me to be with her and now I feel like most of the time I’m like a child. It’s hard for me to be there for her. I’ve lost my way. I’m confused. I feel I’m attached with her feelings and emotion.

John: It’s a hard lesson to let in, but that you haven’t raised her in what really mattered. So now you find your self at her level and you don’t know what to do with your self and you don’t really know what to do with her. In all of the ways, over the years, where you didn’t really want to see, it’s all coming back to you now. Now you get to really see. It isn’t an easy seeing.

You’re able to come into a real seeing of what you are in your self, which makes, then, a new difference between you and your daughter. They will see that you are seeing differently, that you’re seeing in your self what you didn’t want to see before. Life didn’t sufficiently corner you before. Now you’re cornered. You can react to that or you can soften in that. You can protect your self from seeing or you can really open to see what you are in your self as it is. All of the rationalizations fall off. Everything that you’ve justified or defended falls off. An honesty to what is deeper within than your self enables you to really see your self as it is, without any coverings.

It’s a little like taking inventory on your actual condition on each level of your self, and with openness and softness of heart that you start all over again, really seeing, and within that new seeing of your self, that you are being in your self differently. Anything that you haven’t dealt with in your past is all up for you. Your self-esteem will collapse and your deep sense of goodness will be coming up. You will love your new heart and it will be that new heart that will be filling your self. That new heart is worth much more than your self, and being that in your self is going to change your self. There’s no greater gift that you can give to your children than for them to see you go through this. Then instead of being angry with you, your children will believe you. They’ll believe you because they so see you.

Q: So you’re saying that if ‘til now I was in my self and she was in her self, if I’m going to be in my being, this is the way that she’s going to see my being?

John: Yes. But because of some of the ways that you have been in your self that lacked credibility, she in a patterned way has been reacting to that and fighting with that. So when you shift, her patterned way of relating to you stays the same. So when you shift, she might not believe you. You’ve trained her to not believe you, but as you grow and develop within from within that shift, she will slowly see. She’ll start to see the subtle differences, differences in your self that are not held together. To that, she’ll respond. That response will be a change in her.

You’re at quite a beautiful crossroads where you can move forward with deflection and defense or you can move forward opening like you have never opened before. Your self won’t survive that. Parts of it will die. Your self will change. The fire that you go through will only take away what burns. Anything that doesn’t burn remains, whether that is very little or a lot. Whatever remains is really you and is real.

You will flourish in your self and, because of that, your self will also flourish. Your daughters will see and they will also then know how to transition.

Q: Thank you John.

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