Q: Most of the time I’m connected with the self, and sometimes it happens that awareness of the heart is happening. I have reached some stages of knowing but cannot be with it consciously, somehow, and I want to ask you if I can be more connected, somehow, with my awareness to help it happen more to me.
John: For it to happen more with you, a crumb needs to be enough. You would like to have the whole loaf of bread or maybe even a slice, when the crumb is enough.
Q: I have such a deep longing. To be deeper connected with the heart space.
John: You have a deep longing to have, at very least, a whole slice instead of, at very least, a crumb. There isn’t less of what bread is in a crumb. It’s only the amount of bread that is less. The reality of it isn’t less. When you know the crumb, you understand the slice. When you’re wanting the slice, you’re understanding what you’re wanting, and then you miss the subtleties, within, that are already there. It’s all in the subtlety. When you’re knowing the subtlety of it, you’re able to find it everywhere.
Q: Yesterday I was reading in your book that when you were age 14 or 18 you were describing that you had this experience of intimacy in your body and all over, and from time to time I can feel that something is going through my body, out of the skin, inside and outside, and very fine, like a wind and it goes in this direction of the subtlety? It’s so fine, so delicate. Is it like this?
John: Yes, and even smaller – smaller and finer. Smaller and finer until it is almost imperceptible, until it is almost nothing.
When a subtlety of it is enough, you’ll be free of results in your self. You’ll be free of looking for results in your self. When a subtlety is enough, you’re not using your self to be in it; you’re not using your self to know it; you’re not using your self in your relating to it. The relating is direct. Within that subtlety you are free of your self, and for you it never needs to increase.
When you’re not needing the increase, that is already the increase. The increase isn’t at first experienced; the increase is a part of your settledness. Being so settled, within, in the tiniest little bit that you’re not needing more; that you are complete and filled with a subtlety.
Within that are all of the basics, the basics of awareness not being dependent on the use of form. Then you’ll be able to identify that subtlety in the midst of what is coarse, in the midst of what doesn’t feel like the subtlety. You’ll be able to un-mix what your self is, because you’ll always be knowing the difference; knowing the difference and loving the difference. Loving the difference makes the difference.
When a crumb is enough, you are knowing the difference and you’re loving the difference. For you the difference is already made and you’re completely at rest in it. When a crumb, so to speak, is enough, you won’t consume it. You’ll be completely at home in being with it. You will love and adore it. That has you being the same as what you are loving and adoring. There isn’t any focus of experience in that. As awareness, you are simply gone into the tiniest of what you’re knowing. The fact that you are immersed in it, absorbed into it, completely absorbed by it, isn’t even a something to you. If the subtlety would be even less so that you can’t even see it anymore and all you have is that you have seen it – you’ve seen it before, you’ve known it – your knowledge of the truth is enough for you. Your knowing it, without experience, without seeing, without anything, is your home.
For you it is altogether enough that you know. Then you know it everywhere. That’s the much of it. The much of it isn’t in the experience. The experience still validates something in your self; that if the experience isn’t registered in your self, then you won’t believe knowing, when knowing is what you are. Experience isn’t what you are; it’s what you’re able to have. The level of experience and the quality of experience is dependent on how little you’re able to be. The less you are, the greater the access you have. The less you are, the more you’re able to have.
When you are at home in nothing, then something can be safe with you. Anything can be safe with you when you are at home in nothing, because knowing is enough. When you come into something that is real in your experience, you won’t spend it on your self. You’ll hold it in your care. When you’re not free of your self, whatever you come into you’ll spend on your self. Then even if you could come into more and more and more, the most that you could come into isn’t enough.
When a subtlety of heart is enough, then you are rich in little. Then you’re understanding in your heart how less is more. You’re understanding the fundamental direction of being what you first are, and it isn’t in the direction of your self or your experience. It doesn’t have to do with form. It has to do with what you are and being able to distinguish what you are from what your self is.
That requires a weaning process: that you don’t need your self for you to be your heart, and then you don’t need your heart for you to be something of your own being, and then you don’t need even your own being for you to be what is deeper, within, than what your being is; that you’re able to be meaning aware and that you’re not needing the beingness of meaning for you to be what meaning is; that you’re not needing anything for you to be what you first are.
That enables you to know the purity of your own beingness and to move in its endless streams without that even coming into your heart yet, and, when it does move up into your heart because you are home in nothing, you’ll not create a mix. You’ll not mix it with anything that isn’t what you know, so when something of your self comes close to your heart, your self has, for you, no attraction, and you’ll have your self to be able to express all of the wonders of that.
You’ll not be hooked even when you are midstream in your self because you are at home in nothing; that what you are is knowing, meaning knowing, and as that you cannot in the midst of experience and in the midst of your self be purchased. You won’t sell what you are for something. You won’t give your power to what you are not. That makes you, as awareness, safe in all of your self.
In expressing what you are and in expressing your beingness in your self and through your self, the form of your self changes to match what you’re being in it. The form becomes the expression. Your self changes and develops, and your self evolves. Your self evolves when you are evolving in your self, despite what your self is. All of the apparent limitations in your self are not a limitation for you.
Having the whole loaf doesn’t mean yet that you are fully being even a crumb of it, meaning that you won’t be able to sustain being in the whole loaf. In being little, within being little, you’re able to come into much; you’re able to have much. In being nothing and at home in nothing, you are able to come into everything and you’re able to have everything. This is how you are made. When you are believing your self to tell you the truth of what you are, then you are being separate from what you are and then, in the much that you have, there will be little, while you’ll always be knowing that there’s more.
Your knowing is correct. You know that there’s more. You know, within, that there’s more. The more is direct. The direct isn’t through experience. The direct can be in an experience. The direct is the knowing. As soon as you know that there’s more, within, that knowing is it, and when that knowing is enough for you, in being free of needing to experience it, you are then free to experience it. And in the experience of it, you’ll be loving what you’re knowing.
It isn’t the experience of it that you’ll be loving, enabling the experience of it to turn into your self. Your self becomes what you are. Your forms change and develop, increasingly reflecting what you are. It’s able to be constantly increasing because you are at home in nothing. You’re not needing something from the increase. You are at home in the decrease.
The way that you function is the same as what you are. When you separate your function from what you first are, your forms will develop to reflect what you believe to be your function, giving you developed forms of separation; forms made by your belief in how your function is separate from what you are. Your function isn’t to be your experience. Your function isn’t to be what a being is. Your function isn’t to be the further form what your heart is, and your function isn’t to be the further form what your self is or, even further, what your person is.
Your function as awareness is to be what knowing is, making you the continuity in all of your forms. Your continuity as awareness isn’t your experience, while it is in everything you’re experiencing and you are always knowing the difference. The freer you are, the further you can travel. The form you’re believing is the form that you can go no deeper than. In believing knowing, you have access to your own innermost and to all of your forms because you are all of its continuity. You are its living connectivity.
You’re not dead yet, so you have real time for all of this.
When your self simply doesn’t have you, then you are in your heart. When you are needing to have that, then your self has you. These truths are laws; they’re not bendable. If you suffer much in your self because of how much you know yet don’t have, that doesn’t give you more. That gives you something only when you are at rest in realizing that that isn’t how you function; it isn’t what you are. When you are being what you are and your function is the same as what you are, your movement within your forms will be fulfilling its laws, even if you’re not understanding it.
How it all really works, from the innermost outwards, isn’t arbitrary. You can’t make it up. You can’t pick and choose. If it is correct, it works. If it is incorrect, it simply doesn’t work. For you to get that right doesn’t come with the use of your self. It comes with your being what knowing is. Only knowing knows.