Q: The tone in which I spoke is not fully connected to my heart. I feel I am connected when I am in silence. When I’m in silence I’m in knowing, and when I have to speak I am unconnected to my heart, to my knowing. I need to learn the balance or the voice of my heart to know how to speak at this level.

John: The more that it actually means to you, the more you naturally do it. As awareness you’re able to change and shift what is meaningful to you. When something is meaningful to you, you’ll move by that meaning, and you can’t move in a different meaning or a different level of meaning without what is meaningful to you shifting and changing.

Whatever matters to you in your heart you’ll bring into your heart, and you’ll bring more into your heart. When you are quieted in your heart, what is meaningful to you is different than when you’re in your self, when you’re in the familiarity of what you normally experience in your self. When you are not quieted in your heart, what is meaningful to you is different than when you are quieted in your heart.

For you to be in the level of meaning, while you’re in the midst of a lot of noise, the same level of meaning that you know within when you are quieted in your heart,
that will cost you what you’re accustomed to in your surface experience. To be the level of meaning that you’re in when everything is silent might be painful to you in the midst of a lot of noise.

With that being true, you’re able to shift what is meaningful to you to conform to what matters to you when there is noise. As soon as there’s noise, in your self or outside of your self, you’re able to close off to a deeper level of meaning to protect your self from the pain of that. You’re able to be vulnerable to what you know in your heart when everything is silent, when you are in silence, but for you to be that vulnerable when you are not in silence, you might feel too much for your own comfort. It might be too uncomfortable for you, so it’s easy to shift from a deeper level to a more superficial level as soon as the noise level in your self, or outside of your self, increases.

You know how to have quality time within by eliminating elements of your experience, but for you to have that depth of quality time within, without eliminating elements of your experience, your vulnerability may go beyond what you’re comfortable with. When you know the truth of having quality time within, you’re able to unconditionally be in that. When you are open to any cost that there is to you being in deepest meaning, then the high cost of meaning won’t distract you from being in deepest meaning.

Q: What am I so scared of?

John: Discomfort, pain, not understanding.

At the end of the day when your body is tired and your mind is tired, your self is tired, and you fill the bathtub up full with hot water and you enter the hot water, you, your self, your heart, your body open and you’re able to let everything go. The opening that you know and experience is also what you know the truth of. In that way, you are entering and being what home is. You’re able to be that open and that soft, within, and sweetly vulnerable, within, while someone is yelling at you, but that will cost you much. When you open and soften that much at the end of the day because you enter a hot bath, that doesn’t cost you. Instead, you gain much, making opening and softening, within, on multiple levels, subject to your own sense and experience of gain and loss, even though it’s that opening and that softening that you most deeply know the truth of.

You’re able to remain that open and that soft throughout your various experiences of gain and loss. Being that way in your self and in your life, unconditionally, is how to awaken in the midst of whatever self you have, in the midst of whatever you’re experiencing, in the midst of whatever your life is.

You’re able to open your heart or close your heart depending on what you’re experiencing in your self. You are also able to open your heart and soften your heart regardless of anything that you’re experiencing in your self. You unconditionally opening in your heart greatly exposes your self. You’ll see everything in your self that you haven’t wanted to see, that you’ve avoided seeing.

You’ll realize and see all of the actual lack in your self. You’ll really experience how much your self is not like your open heart. Your level of discomfort will become really painful. In the midst of that pain, you’re able to remain open in your heart. You’re able to not close when there’s pain.

Q: Why is there such a contrast between my self and my knowing or my being?

John: Your being is the form of yours that perfectly and completely matches what is really you. Your self is a form of yours that mostly doesn’t match you; it’s a form of yours that is mostly not like your own being.

Your being doesn’t change. When you harden your heart, your being isn’t corrupted by that, but when you harden your heart your self is corrupted by that. Your self is the form you have that is so subject to change. You’re able to change it by changing what you’re being in it. When you are being like what your being is like and you’re being that in your self, your self becomes like your being. When you are being like the conditioning in your self, you will make your own self more unlike your being.

For your self to be like your own being, your self needs to be purified. The mixtures in your self need to be unmixed. Your self is able to develop and grow depending how you’re being in it, and your self is also to un-develop, to lose development and to lose growth. In your self it’s difficult to grow and it’s difficult to develop, and it’s easy to not grow and to not develop, but then it costs you being in an undeveloped self; being in a self that is not like your own being.

You have your self for you to manifest what you know the truth of in that self. You’re able to manifest your being in your self. That will cost you your self. As you are okay with that cost, your self will change: it will grow, it will develop, it will purify. In that way, your self becomes deeper and higher. Duality exists in your self; it doesn’t exist in your being.

As you surrender to what you know your being is like, and you be that in the midst of your self, what is split and separate in your self heals and there will be some development, perhaps only just a tiny little bit of oneness in your self. Whatever tiny little bit that is, when it’s real, you know it, and, as that develops, you know that that value of development exceeds the value of everything in your self that hasn’t been integrated yet.

Q: So how can I clean my self quickly?

John: You can’t clean your self without cleaning your heart. What cleans your heart is you being what you know the truth of in your heart, and you being that in all of your heart. As your heart opens it becomes clean. For you to purify your heart is for you to live by what you know in your heart, regardless of anything that you’re experiencing in your self.