605 – The Cost of Cutting Yourself Off from Others
How can you be around people you care for, but don’t agree with? Dissociation only manifests more separation, and John shares how to stay connected.
John de Ruiter Podcast 543
John de Ruiter Podcast 543
Rebuilding Your Relationship For a Higher Purpose
When: March 15, 2004 @ 2:00pm
Where: Auckland, New Zealand
Entering a sexual relationship too soon has created suffering for this couple. Is it possible to start over, and build the kind of commitment that will survive the inevitable difficulties?
“You would be judicial love, the kind of love that doesn’t favour what is personal, but rather it includes what is personal, in favouring what it knows.”
- Rebuilding Your Relationship For a Higher Purpose 00:00
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Podcast Transcript
Rebuilding Your Relationship For a Higher Purpose
Q: We decided to live together, which we’ve been doing for the last six months or so. And there’s many times that I’ve asked myself whether it was kind or skillful because of a lot of pain and suffering that arose in the relationship. I know, if I could do it over again, I would not have included sexuality or living together in our relationship until we had a totally solid, long-term commitment to each other. My question is can we go back to being together as friends and not being involved intimately until that commitment was solid and strong?
John: Yes. But what is more important is what each of you are living for. It is that that determines the relationship. What good is your relationship, your commitment to each other, if that isn’t clearly and solidly based on the commitment within each of you, and the purpose of the relationship to something higher? And not as an ideal, but as a clear and solid response to something that you know the truth of. If it is for an ideal then it is for something that is already less than you. If it is for what you know is true, and you’re understanding it, then it is for something that is greater than you. If a relationship isn’t for something within each of you that is greater than each of you, then each of you will be using the relationship to eventually pull your selves down.
The level in which you exist within a relationship is the same level that you’ll be confirming within your selves. To evaluate a relationship you would have to evaluate your selves, with the purpose of being open to change anything that isn’t in alignment with what you really know is true. It would require the most tender and the sharpest use of intellect, without which you won’t be seeing what you’re unaccustomed to seeing, all for the sake of benefitting, within each of you, a higher awareness. You would be judicial love, the kind of love that doesn’t favour what is personal, but rather it includes what is personal in favouring what it knows.
If this exists within each of you then the two of you are able to profoundly be together, two beings dwelling together, both supporting, and existing for one beingness. There may still be real difficulty, but without either one of you being difficult. It would be intelligent goodness interacting with each other, where the slightest playing of a game would be a shock, instead of the truth being a shock. Kindness would become skillful in establishing the goodness that it knows. Within such a relationship the two of you wouldn’t be existing for anything else, that this would be the foundation for the relationship, and that within everything that each of you builds, it would be of the same beingness.
Q: Would you tell me, John, how I am a problem in my life, in our life, that I can be more aware of my goodness?
John: By using your backbone for goodness instead of using your backbone for coping.
Q: Thank you, John.
John de Ruiter PODCASTS
on This Topic
604 – Broken Relationship: The Kindness of a Hundred-Year Perspective
Imagine looking at the the pain of a lost relationship from the kindness of a hundred-year perspective. New possibilities will open, and John explains.
603 – Your Deepest, Most Delicate Belonging
The sense of entering the second half of life is sharpening this person’s focus on what matters most, and raising some fundamental questions.
602 – Honest to the Core: Oneness in the Midst of Separation
A deep dive into the power of profound honesty to make oneness as reachable as going to sleep – without actually falling asleep.
601 – Don’t Go Figure, Go Sweetly Within
Sometimes, figuring things out doesn’t work in the way we expect. Dissolving core patterns is one example of this, and John explains why.
600 – Out of Your Comfort Zone, Into Your Heart
A perplexing and destructive habit is the focus of this dialogue. What could be so threatening about being touched by goodness?
