Q: So this repetitive thing happens where transformation starts happening and comes to this place where it feels like everything’s going to collapse and it seems what happens is an unconscious defense comes up and creates so much confusion.
John: It isn’t a defense. It’s an emergency investment.
Q: What do you mean?
John: An emergency investment in everything that seems to hold your self together.
Q: Are you saying I’m not ready? When that happens I’m not ready? Like that core glue.
John: There isn’t anything else that you’re ready for. You’re always ready. You just don’t want to be ready, because you’ll lose everything that you’ve put together, that seems to hold your self together. When you fundamentally relax, all of the investments in your self wash away and you’re free. If you’re a little bit nervous about that loss, you’ll make emergency investments.
Q: The reason it doesn’t make sense to me, I feel what you’re saying is true and the way it doesn’t make sense to me is that I had this one-month experience of oneness. It was no fear, anxiety, nothing like that. It was blissful. So, somehow I know that this is a really good thing. So to hold on to these investments – and I can see I’m doing that – makes no sense to me how I keep doing that.
John: Because you’re result-oriented. You’ll let go of absolutely everything as long as you experience that oneness. You don’t need the experience of that oneness. You don’t need the experience of being home. Most deeply within, your knowledge of the truth of it is enough for you. Just knowing it, for you, is home. Knowing it is enough. Knowing it is your peace, not experiencing it. The experience of it reacquainted you with what you knew. All of the meaning of the experience is that you knew the truth of it. It’s only in your nervous system that you relate to the experience of that and then you leave what you know in that for the experience of that.
Q: Say that again.
John: You leave what you know in the experience to keep the experience, or to have again the experience. The experience was the beloved messenger and you got the message. Once you know you have the message, you know you have need of nothing. What you have is everything.
When that tiniest little bit is enough for you you’re incapable of holding on to anything. You can’t relate to holding. It isn’t natural to you. Every time you fall asleep, when you lie down to go to bed, you prove this. You are so at home with your past falling away, your personality, everything you relate to in life, everything that matters to you in your self, your self passes away. Everything passes away but you. You are so at home in this that you don’t even register this, because as you slip into sleep you are perfectly being what you really are. Deep within, you don’t fear losing anything.
I’m not appealing to your past or your self, just you. I know you. I see you. I speak to you.
Q: But when you say that knowing that you don’t need anything, I know that but I wouldn’t want to lose my bed or my roof. I can see I hold.
John: You’re not going to live forever. You are wonderfully, at some point, going to die. No bed, no roof. Everything you’ve worked for will be gone. The illusion is for you to live for anything that you can’t keep when you die.
Live as what remains when you die. You be what you are after you’ve died, while you live.
Q: Thank you.