Q: I come out of a hiding place where my self used to be. Sometimes the truth is coming up in me very straight where I was not true, where I have done something to my self or to others. It was purifying. I don’t believe in my knowing. When I look at you, you embody it totally and then I can see my wavering, not trusting what I know, and I cannot relax. I don’t sleep very well. I don’t know if it is just something the body is doing or something that my self is creating.

John: When you are split and you’re awakened to knowing how you’re split and why you’re split, and you’re not in complete response to what you know, that will be disruptive to your sleep, and not sleeping well also doesn’t mean that you’re split. 

You’re responding more to what you know. The clarity of realization is much closer and available to you. You’re able to be in it in a way that you know is profound. What used to be difficult for you in that is no longer difficult. While you are responding more to what you know, the part of you that doesn’t want to know and the part of you that doesn’t want to be what you know comes under greater compression, so while you’re getting better, a part of you within that compression becomes worse. That raises the heat in you. That also means that the end of separation is in sight for you. 

Q: I experience it with the heat coming up, burning through old structures. Yesterday in the meeting I felt as if lead is coming out of my bones from very old ancestors, becoming liquid.

John: That’s because you are responding to being deeply clear. What used to serve you of lead in your bones doesn’t serve you anymore. That is its release. When it no longer serves you, it leaves. The only thing that can hold it there is that you need it there. When you no longer need it, it no longer stays. 

You’re under less pressure because of your response to what you know. You’re under less pressure because you’re responding to your awakening. That doesn’t mean that all of you is in response. You are under less pressure and more compression. The compression you feel much more directly than pressure. Compression has a density to it. The compression also tells you that you’re really close. The pressure where there is no compression tells you that you are so far away.

Q: So it is just to be with the compression without doing anything to it and seeing what I know in it?

John: Yes. Your way into clarity, through your response to what you know, is your way into the compression, relaxing that last little part of you that doesn’t want to go home. But as you enter that last little part of you and you are in response to what you know in the midst of that part of you, that part of you relaxes. As that part of you relaxes instead of being so twisted, and dense, and compressed, and tightly held together, that part of you loves, just like the other parts of you that have already come through into clarity. When it comes through, it’s relaxed and it loves.

Q: I don’t know what’s happening right now…it’s just sadness coming up.

John: You’ve come a long way around, and now that you’re getting close to the end of it you realize you know, and you see that it didn’t need to be that difficult and that long.

Q: That’s true.

John: That’s where sadness works like a most tender remorse. Feeling sad for what you have unnecessarily done because you see that you didn’t need to do that, you didn’t need to go that way; that you insisted on your own way. You insisted on the ways in your self, which then means that you had to go the long, hard way until you realize the way in you. 

The way in you is pure you. There is no other way for you that is real than you being purely you. You, not mixed by what you experience in your self. You, not given to your self. You, given to your heart and, from within your heart, you given to all of your being. 

There’s no other way for you, unless you insist on it. Then you can have any way you like, but it will be long and hard, and in the end you’ll realize. You’re coming to that.  You could have insisted much longer, but instead of insisting on what you think and feel as being true, you’re in response to what you are quietly knowing in your heart. You’re responding to it by resting in it, and there you are clear. 

The heat is really good. When pressure is relieved not for pressure relief, but when pressure is relieved because that which was holding in you turns and relaxes, the energy of that, the energy of you being what you know, turns to the rest of you that’s still holding, a small part of you. That small part of you isn’t just then under pressure. It’s being compressed. It’s being compressed by your relaxation. It’s compressed by you responding to being in your heart, relaxing in your heart, and resting in what you know. 

That energy of compression moves through your new seeing. That which is newly come to real rest makes available a new seeing. With this new seeing released, you naturally, through things that come up in your life, remember something in your past. You’re in that memory in a way that is different. Instead of being in the memory in a way that contributes to the holding in your self, you’re in that memory just by virtue of seeing. 

When you are simply seeing within the memory, you’re relating to what you did to what you knew, and that causes a burning. It’s the turning of your past; it’s the healing of your past. Your past doesn’t become healed without you seeing in your past. The real seeing is in you seeing what you did to what you knew. When you moved against what you knew and you projected that onto someone else, then you mistreated what you knew by mistreating someone else. You know what you did to your own heart and you know what you did to others. The heat comes through in your seeing. 

Your past comes up in a way that you have long avoided, and you’re in the rawness of really knowing and really seeing what you were, what you were being, and what you did. Being free to know and see and be within that memory heals you in your relationship with your past. That heals your past. 

Your past, healed, is freed. A freed past means that there’s less of a barrier between your subconsciousness and your consciousness, your subconscious self and your conscious self. With less of a barrier, you realize there was really no real reason for you to be tight, uptight or fearful. You realize clearly, even within your self, that you don’t fear and that you do love.