Q: Throughout my life I always had this deep inner resource, stability and orientation which wasn’t connected to any circumstance or concept. I distracted my self from it to hang out in these spiritual ideas. I would have these moments where I would suddenly be in that real depth again and everything changed…the way I see things, it turned magical…and in being with you, in that time now that I’m close to you, real seeing would take me over and I would be in this magicalness again where everything has its perfect place – more than enough to satisfy everything within me. It’s very appealing. I want to get more taken by this and understand more about it.

John: It is deeply appealing to you because it is the sense and the experience of you. It isn’t like your self. It’s like you. The experience of it confirms everything that you already knew. The experience of it draws you into even more of you. As you awaken more, in your experience, you keep getting to know the much more of you. Downloads of direct knowledge come into your experience, awakening you to even deeper levels of you.

Q: Sometimes when I sit in the meeting I feel an identity comes up in me, and it’s very different. It doesn’t have any content. It feels very clean. Sincerity is a feeling that comes with it. It comes through just being very unattached, letting things pass through, experiencing everything.

John: That’s defined presence of being, in your self, defined with living structures of being because you have been being that. Being it in your self forms it in your self, turning your self into that. Your self keeps turning more into that because you keep being this, your being, in your self.

Q: When these waves come and go through the days and weeks, from light to black and back, and I see again, one of my first thoughts is, “oh, you could have done better” or “you could have been more clear in it. You could have stayed more deeply in it.” I somehow wasn’t totally the whole depth that I could have been.

John: That’s fine. Next time.

Q: When the black is really so black, I don’t see anything any more. The orientation is gone.

John: The experience of it is.

Q: It’s such a small, super tiny place that’s left over.

John: There’s just knowledge without form. The very darkest night, the blackest night, is when that knowledge in you, while you’re one with it, doesn’t even move. When you are being that quietude, nothing of your being is moving; there’s no nurture, no warmth, no movement of being to touch into that you are being it. The experience of that is that you are all the way down into your deepest roots, destitute of anything, and in that you are still. You don’t move within. You don’t engage your self within just because of the experience of such great destitution. That accomplishes, within such a dark night, the deepest cleaning of your self. It cleans your self of the slightest expectation of your being moving, of your being offering you something in your self. It cleans your self of the finest filaments of you, in your self, needing your being.

In your experience, in such a dark night, that’s like you being stripped of your own being. That isn’t the reality of it, but it is the sense of it. It’s, in your self, the feeling of that, and there you are, aware, in such a night, still, having need of nothing – not even your own being.

Q: If I remain really still, then I do have warmth in that.

John: Then you have the loveliest darkest night yet to come.

Q: So, in the dark I can learn to be without any kind of attachment towards my being, and when there is light I don’t have to worry about when I enjoy my being. When there is light I can drink freely, or indulge freely.

John: Moving as a being, freely in all of your self, without holding to any idea, any belief, not a thought that it shouldn’t be so wonderful and that you shouldn’t be so in it; that you’ll fill out in your self everywhere that the light goes, and in whichever way the light opens your self, nurtures your self, changes your self, you are freely in the joy of that.

The sublime can freely fly through your self, and as the rhythm of being shifts and the sublime recedes back into nothing, that in both the coming in and the going out you are the same. In your experience you will freely be everything, and with the slightest shift of the rhythm of your being you will freely be nothing. As you are free in each you will come into much more of each: the great dark stillness, levels and levels of being nothing, and also new levels of light, light that comes from such great darkness – the light that comes from the black.

When the black is still, there is no light and the more deeply you are free to recede into that, when it does move even just a touch, the light that moves of that is new. Light you’ve not known before.