Excerpt from a dialogue with John de Ruiter on September 11, 2011
Q: I would love to deepen the connection between my child and me, and to be more aware in it. Can you help me?
John: Be really seen. Reveal your heart and give your heart without embellishment so that when you’re giving your heart, your heart-given is unadorned. Then your child is fully meeting you. Don’t push your way, or have your own way. Don’t use any power to have what is personal for you at your child’s expense, and at the same time be kindly strong with what you are clear about.
All of this draws your child into being seen, being heard, and, not using any power to do so, invites your child into a strength of clarity. With a richness of heart, make it really easy for your child to never need to lie. Value a quiet love, enabling your child to read you deeply, then there’s room for supportive excitement. When you’re agitated in any way, like being slow to speak, and when you’ve fallen short in any way, like being quick to speak.
If you are happy in all of this, your child will be deeply safe and free to be seen in everything. Don’t try to correct your child or give instruction if, at the same time, you are not being seen. If you are being seen, your child will love learning from you. In the midst of your availability, share your realizations and your child will come into the same. If you are always giving your heart while being seen, giving your heart in a quieted way without embellishment, your child will know that it doesn’t have to do anything for love. Your child will grow up not being performance-oriented.
Don’t be overly motherly and your child will have no need of being childish.