Winter Online Intensive – Dec 26, 2021 – Jan 4, 2022  Take Part

Supporting Your Child Through Divorce

Share on facebook
Share It
Share on twitter
Tweet It
Share on email
Mail it
Share on whatsapp
WhatsApp It
When: March 29, 2015
Morning Open Mic
Topics:

Q: How can I best support my daughter through her parents’ splitting-up and through all the changing outer circumstances, like moving house?

John: By enjoying her.

Q: “Enjoying” … do you mean loving?

John: “Loving” can become complicated.

Q: What do you mean by that?

John: If you enjoy her, you will love her. If you “love” her you might be putting something on to her.

Q: A bit too much?

John: Love is not too much. A personalized love can be too much.

Q: Is it necessarily damaging for a child to experience their parents’ splitting-up?

John: If a child needs it to be damaging: yes.

Q: So it depends on how the child experiences it?

John: If you are just directly enjoying her, that inclines her to open. When she opens she’ll feel the hurt of what’s taking place and it won’t damage her.

Q: Like everything else, it’s about opening more and more?

John: Life hurts. Love hurts. Hurt is fine. Closing when there’s hurt, hardens.

Q: Trying to prevent someone else from hurting is also closing?

John: Yes. When you protect someone from hurt, the actual communication in that is that you’re telling them how bad it is, whereas when they’re hurting and you’re enjoying the other person, you’re telling them deep within how really all right everything is. So they realize a deeper level within than they’re experiencing in themselves within the hurt. It brings about a deeper perspective, so the next time there’s a difficulty in life that also really hurts, they remember what they went into the time before.

Q: And they get acquainted with it and start to trust it?

John: Yes. Within that there’s the realization that life isn’t about not hurting. Life is about the goodness of opening, the goodness of opening within, even while it hurts.

Q: Yes, I know that goodness, yet I notice that since having her I’ve tried to give her a life that would never hurt and that takes away the experience needed for a person to go deeper.

John: If you protect someone from hurt, you’re protecting them from what’s deeper. It isn’t the hurt that’s deeper, but when you focus on the hurt, you’re distracting the awareness within that person from what is deeper. You take them away from what is deeper by focusing them on the hurt, by trying to protect them from hurting.

Q: It seems so normal for a mother to want their child not to hurt. I hadn’t seen that we take something from them when we do that.

John: Don’t be her mother. Just see her, and enjoy her.

Share on facebook
Share It
Share on twitter
Tweet It
Share on telegram
Telegram It
Share on whatsapp
WhatsApp It
Share on email
Email

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

John de Ruiter TRANSCRIPTS

on This Topic

Q1: I work as a speech therapist with children. When I hear you speak, it reminds me of the importance in psychological theory for children to grow up with soft hearts, good relationships and protection in order to develop their potential. Can you say more about this? John: It’s true
Q: We’re having a baby. I really feel the baby is going to be our greatest teacher. John: Having a baby will strengthen whatever orientation you presently have. Q: Will it? It won’t be the opposite? John: If you are giving heed to the specialness of what’s there, and you’re taking that specialness
Q: I have a question about raising children and enjoying them in the way you’ve been describing. I have two daughters. John: How old are they? Q: Five and nine. I enjoyed the first child from the beginning, and it has been easy. The second is very different. From the moment

Get the latest news

Subscribe To Our Newsletter