Q: When I was in India, in the seminar there, I noticed for the first time a subtle movement of my sexuality, sensations in my body. With the women here there’s been a lot of talk about it and their sexuality would move during meetings. I notice these sensations and they’re experienced as a pressure in my body during the meetings. It’s most uncomfortable and I sense there’s nothing to do other than let it be. There’s a movement to my body that is new, almost like my body at age sixty-one is experiencing another form of puberty. I know it’s not related to any physical need on my part; just this pressure that occurs when I’m here. It seems to be related to a movement of my being. I’ve never heard a man speak of it here. A woman brought this up a year ago and you spoke to her about the figure eight and that it was good for her to move it. I don’t understand how anyone would do that, and maybe it’s different for a man. Is it just to relax, and be okay within it? In the case of a man, is there value in doing anything or is it best just to be that still lake in this?
John: If you’re present in your awakening you will go through what a lake goes through, where a lake does a flip – particularly a really deep lake. The deep comes to the surface while the surface goes down into the deep. If you’re focused on how anything is in your self you prevent that flip. As the flip begins to move, the meaning of it is incomprehensible to your self. If you’re being what you know in your deeper levels, they move up into the surface while the surface opens and moves into the deep, all at expense to your self. Followed through into your person, it is the transformation of your self.
Q: In your saying the deep coming up to the surface, is that basically inclusive of anything? I found our little dog, Sam, up on the dining room table barking, and what came up inside of me was very intense anger that was shocking to me I had to restrain my self from doing something really intense to this little dog, I was shocked by the movement that came up and it seemed so unrelated to what was on the surface. I knew that the best that I could have done, was to completely open in it and soften in it and let it come up. Is that what you mean about the flipping of the lake; that stuff like that will arise that didn’t seem to have any connection to what was on the surface?
Q: Okay. So not to restrain anything like that moving, but also not giving it anything.
John: Give it nothing because of what you are given to. As you deeply open, your self deeply opens. That allows the movement of your subconscious self to come right up into your conscious self. You’re getting to know your self.
Your self isn’t your conscious self. Your conscious self is like what appears on the surface of an iceberg. Everything above the surface comes together in your experience, while it is everything that’s beneath the surface that controls your experience. For you to know your self, your subconsciousness needs to be free to completely come up into your conscious self, and for your conscious self to be free to be taken down into your subconscious regions. As this occurs, you’ll feel like you’re losing touch with reality, reality based on just the tip of the iceberg.
Reality cannot be represented in the tip of the iceberg. It can be represented in the whole of your self, but only if you have no resistance to the two becoming one; that you have no controlling need to have a barrier between your conscious experience and your subconsciousness because, as awareness, you are, in anything of your self, simply relaxed, at home; that you are being not your self, but you are being what you really are in all of your self.
Q: Is there a relationship between my sexual center and this flip?
John: Your deep opening to what you know is your initial movement into oneness: awareness returning to being one with knowing at any cost. It’s what removes the resistance from within your seen forms, including your sexuality, to all of it belonging to your heart, to what you know in your heart and then to all of the levels and depths of your being. As you deeply open, you’re saying ‘yes’ to all of it even though you don’t see what’s coming.
As you remain in the depth of that opening, everything that comes together may feel like you, in your self, are coming all apart, but in you remaining together, awareness and knowing being one, all of the aspects of your self – conscious and subconscious – come together on the basis of your being, moving up streams of being, moving through your subconsciousness and initiating a flip. It’s the real coming together of everything that’s yours, not on terms of your self and how you’ve experienced it but on terms of your deep opening as awareness to all you know.
When your sexuality moves on the basis of your own being, you will go through, within your sexuality, something of what you’ve already gone through when you went through puberty. It’s not comfortable because it’s a reorientation of all of your self, conscious and subconscious. It’s your being moving your sexuality throughout the whole of your self, not on terms of that little bit that is above the surface in your experience, what you would refer to as your past.
Whatever you avoided in your past comes up and that’s because you’ve deeply said ‘yes’ as awareness to what you know. Within all of that chaos is the beginning of deep peace. The deep peace is that you’re no longer trying to keep the aspects of your self separate from each other, giving you the sense of control in your life. The control is all given up. You belong to what you know the truth of, and what you’re being within, in all of your self, isn’t determined by how you experience your self. It isn’t determined by your past. It’s determined by the movement of your own being, which is freed because you’ve deeply said ‘yes’ to knowing; that it is then knowing that controls you. All of your self is free to come together.
That’s a profound disturbance to your conscious self. It’s the end of your life in an illusion. Your conscious self is no longer you, and all of your self coming back together is yours and you’re getting to know your self. It’s so much not like your being, but it’s all coming together because you’re being the same as your being in the midst of your self.
For your being to manifest through your heart into your self, the whole of your self is needed, not just the part of your self, the smaller part, that you’ve been aware of. Your being can’t manifest in the whole of your self without you first knowing your self. From the perspective of your experience, knowing the whole of your self is like dying. Your whole relationship with your self dies as you get to know your self.
Your response to what you know the truth of is what makes you, awareness, one with your being. The movement of that allows all of the aspects of your self to finally come together. The movement of your being will come through the old pathways in your self, reconstituting those pathways because of what’s moving in them that is all different from past experience. Your being will also move in ways that are all new, creating new pathways within the whole of your self, enabling you in your self to comprehend reality, reality known by you as a being, no longer limited by you confining to your self.
What you’re doing within all of that, within your fundamental ‘yes’ to what you know, is that you’re giving the whole of your self to your being. You’re giving the whole of your self to reality. On the basis of that, in comes reality, changing everything that you’ve given over to it. As your being moves and becomes one with your self, your subconsciousness also becomes one with your conscious self. Everything is coming together on the terms of what you, awareness, know: the only key to oneness, freed within everything that’s yours. Your relationship to what you perceived as reality based on your conscious self dies. It’s the end of reality and life as you’ve known it. It’s the end of it because it’s all opening and it’s all coming together. Control by way of separation – you separating the aspects and the levels of your self – is over.
There’s new wondrous control that is absolute; awareness controlled by knowing. Its movement is love. Illusion passes away and your being gets to have everything that’s yours. Because it is all of it, it all becomes one.
Q: How do I give everything to that and not as a self? I’m mystified as to where that permission was given, even though with all my heart in my self it’s what I’ve wanted, known, and given my self to. Where is that switch? I don’t want to switch back.
John: It’s the same switch that you naturally go to when you lie down to go to sleep.
Q: But how, at that point, is there the permission given to give it all to my being and not hold onto my illusions?
John: It’s not by giving permission to it. That initiates a movement but it isn’t what does it. What does it is when you, awareness, are being ‘yes’ to knowing and, if you give that no interference based on anything that you experience in your self, the ‘yes’ won’t stop. You’ll awaken and you’ll die. Reality shows up; your being shows up in your self regardless of its condition. The movement brings your self together and changes it.
From the perspective of the old, that fundamental change is your dying. It’s your death: the death of how you’ve held your conscious self together in being, within its aspects, all separate.
Q: Can it be a happy death?
John: No, because you won’t feel happy. All it is, is quietly good, while you experience everything other than that.
Q: Where would that experience be registered?
John: In your psyche, right where you’ve held all of the control. You, awareness, living saying ‘yes’ to what you know the truth of in your heart is you in what you thought you were: dying. While what you know you’re responding to is so good, without that goodness having to manifest in your experience. It’s something that you know.
What passes away with your physical death becomes directly real to you in your self before you die. Your thinking, your feeling, become replaced by what thought and feeling is like when your being has it. All you lose is total control; control in the way that you’ve related to it.
You become as enlightened as you are deeply, dearly at home in being endarkened.
Q: Is that what you meant when you said about the conscious self being able to go to the deep of the subconscious?
John: Yes. That whole flip isn’t possible without you being what you know. You won’t let it happen. Your subconsciousness could possibly heave up into your conscious self, but without you being what you know within your conscious self, you won’t go down into your subconsciousness. There will be perhaps a heaving, but not a flip.
Q: So it’s simply being what I know in the midst of a heaving that then could move that to the level of a flip?
John: It’s by you belonging to your heart. When you belong to your heart, there you directly come into what you deeply know in your heart. The transfer of ownership goes deeper. You no longer belong to your heart; you, awareness, belong to knowing. It’s what frees you to be released into your subconsciousness and into your being, particularly its deeper levels that are so other than how you’ve experience your self and this world.
All of reality, the whole of it, gets to have all of your self, the whole of it.