Q: From early on, I felt aware of a certain something going on within me that I couldn’t make sense of, and it had sort of a horrific energy to it, and also a beautiful energy. I started to be aware that I was trying to manage something huge within me, that I could hardly bear the power of. In my early forties, it was like a dam broke in a moment of a hard point in my life, and this huge anguish and pain and grief filled me. It’s been thirteen years since that dam I broke. I started to realize I was picking my head up again and I had this weird feeling one day, sort of a contentment, like “I’m happy right now.” This whole thing, I guess my whole life, I don’t know how to understand it, and I just wonder what you might make of all this.

John: The resonance of the calling lived in you. The resonance of the calling was one with you. When the dam broke, that was the resonance of the calling breaking loose, through your response, into all of your self. So you experienced in your self what you’re in a body for, what you’re in this life for, and that had nothing to do with your self or your life. It had nothing to do with this world. It had nothing to do with anything that you’ve learned. You didn’t understand. You did directly know, and you let that direct knowledge overtake you in your self. You let it flood you.

Q: So this past month is like my first month in this world without this, whatever that was, and what I feel and notice is lethargy, and a fogginess or grogginess, and also a kind of a detachment, disengagement, that are puzzling to me. Where’s my heart?

John: Either quietly opening or loudly closing.

Q: Is it a choice?

John: Yes, but it’s a level of choice that is direct to you. It isn’t a personal choice. It isn’t as your self that you choose, or as a personality that you choose. It’s a level of choice that is without the use of any of your forms so it is fundamental to you, not to your self.

Q: Opening and softening may not even touch this? It’s something in a different level for me?

John: Opening and softening in the way that you naturally do when you are almost asleep, when you are tipping into sleep. It isn’t governed by thought or feeling. It’s governed by what you really are, which means that your openness and your softness is your real beingness. There, openness is you. The softness is you.

When the calling moves in you, that movement sets you afire and, as that fire, you can’t relate to your self. You can’t relate to what is outside of your self. What you do directly relate to is power, within, that you don’t understand, that you don’t know how to apply, you don’t know how to move; you just directly know the truth of it.

When the calling doesn’t move, you’re just left with your self and in your self. All is dull and dim, and because it’s not real to you and you know so much more while you’re in it and you experience it, it is so quietly clear that it’s not you, which gives you a sense of detachment from it.

Q: And that calling, it’s just what I’m at the mercy of, that calling?

John: Yes. But as you let it move different forms of your being, as you let it move deeper levels of your being, unseen forms of your being are moved up into your self. These forms give a sense of reality to you, but a completely different reality than anything you can relate to in your self or as a self. It’s by being these unseen forms that the calling moves, being those forms in the midst of a self that isn’t like that, that isn’t like that yet. It’s by being them in the midst of your self that your self slowly changes and becomes the same. It’s in that change that you understand.

Q: There’s an aspect of me that might just be a part of my self, I don’t know, but I would describe it as not matured, and I wonder about that in relation to what you’re speaking about. Is it related, or something to not put a lot of attention on?

John: It hasn’t matured and it hasn’t come into form in your self. As it begins to have a little bit of rootedness in the midst of your self, so you are rooted in the unseen and what you know the truth of, roots growing into that in the midst of your self. As that takes place, your subconsciousness opens and becomes freed into your self, into your conscious self.

That freeing of your subconscious self into your conscious self is fundamentally disturbing, but it’s in that movement of your self – your subconscious self and your conscious self having movement together instead of being kept separate – that what you really are, forms of you, forms of your being, begin taking form in your self, in this movement of your self. What works in this is openness and softness of heart in the midst of that disturbance.

Q: Those years of anguish and crying, were they an expression of the subconscious coming into consciousness?

John: What is in your subconsciousness are forms of illusion that have come through your ancestry, and also in how you’ve developed your self … and forms of truth. The anguish is to your conscious self, because what you experience in your self is all so profoundly not understood. It is all so mixed: illusion and the truth.

The openness lets the forms of illusion move up into your self. Openness lets them move all through your self, and as the forms of illusion have no part in your self because of how you’re opening, it’s that beingness, the openness, that lets the forms of illusion move into your self, through your self, and then out.

As it moves out, it dies and what remains is the deep movement of the truth within. It moves in your self, not in a way that’s understood, but it does nurture you. The forms of truth, from within your sub-consciousness that move by the movement of your being, in their movement they come together and they form together. In that formation they displace the substance of your self within the field of your self. What that is, in your self, is transformation: your self becoming just like you.

As you hear words of truth that match these forms of truth – different forms that haven’t been connected yet – these forms come together and, in that, you are reached. These forms of truth can all come together very quickly. As they come together your seeing changes, and as you live that seeing, your thinking in your self and your feeling in your self change. Real perspective comes into your self and your life that doesn’t come from either. It comes from these forms of truth, within, joining together through your response, forming a different body, a body not like your self: a body of being, being formed in the midst of your self, and it is that body that you move by.

The more that you move by it, the more that that body of being displaces your body of self and your self becomes just like your being: a being that sees, thinks, feels and has perspective, as a self, in this world – perspective that doesn’t come from this world, isn’t like this world, yet has skill in this world; you, a being, integrating your self, becoming functional in a world that isn’t like you. A tiny little bit of this world coming into balance.