Q: I’m taking care of my granny and I started off because I wanted to do it out of love, and now I feel like I just can’t feel the love anymore in whatever I do. Everything seems to be so disappointing: my behaviour, the so-called outside world. It makes me turn to what’s my quietude, which I really enjoy. It’s just this sadness or disappointment about my false self that I feel right now. But it’s also pretty heart-breaking.
John: As you are taking care of her, in your life, do it for what you’re in as you come into the tipping point of sleep. Recognize the depth of that, the quality of that, and then do what you’re doing for that and for the same that you can find in her.
Q: It’s so painful at the moment. it feels like I was better at this years ago, just seeing the beauty and the innocence in everybody, in everything. And through choices of my life I feel I’ve corrupted it and it’s getting worse instead of getting better.
John: Be in the quietude of the dearness within, its qualities that you’re naturally being as you come into sleep. Be in that in the midst of everything that’s getting worse. So you are being that in what is worse without you being what is worse, without you focusing on, thinking about what is getting worse. And then start to enjoy the depth of this, the quality of this that in very delicate ways moves.
It’s always there and it’s always moving. It’s you moving as a stream of being. It’s never not there; it’s just that everything else has your attention. You’re able to be in that in the midst of anything that you’re doing, in the midst of anything that’s occurring. You’re able to be in that regardless of what you’re self is like. You don’t need to fix your self or address your self. You don’t need to change anything.
Q: Thank you for saying that. It feels like the false me is yearning to be completely penetrated or taken by the beauty and the love.
John: You can be the qualities and the depth of that love, but not for your self, not for the experience of it. Be that just because of the goodness of that, not for your self, not for your experience, not to help anything, not to change anything, not for your life, not for others; just for the goodness of that.
Q: Thanks. That’s very, very beautiful. So would you recommend to apologize to people or change nothing at all, just be that naturally for no reason, for no aim, for no goal?
John: Just for the goodness of that. You can apologize to people, but not for some time. First, you settle into the goodness of this without making it practical, without it quickly turning into it being behavioural, such as being apologetic, fixing what you’ve done or fixing your self. First, settle into the depth of it, and then, a little bit at a time, you can see how this moves, how you move in some words, some behaviour, an apology, a kind movement.
Slowly, see what it’s like to be you in those different movements. The movements are not you. You are able to be in those different movements. And then like the difference between that and you just, in an addictive way, doing all of those movements. Enjoy the quietude of this, the nurture of this and the deep simplicity of this.
The simpler that it is for you, the more that it is you. The source of that isn’t your self, it isn’t others, it isn’t your life. It’s just immediate depth of you. And there you are, being it, in the midst of everything.