JdR Podcast 281
Why Your Difficult Boss is a Blessing in Disguise
I dread going to work: should I leave my job? This questioner is wondering how to deal with a difficult boss. John shows how, when there isn't a tightening within, an unpleasant experience can actually open deeper love, making it possible to flourish even in difficulty
"You need to love. You need to love far beyond what you can grasp in your self. Then everything that happens to you makes you flourish."
—John de Ruiter
With John de Ruiter from the September 16, 2011 Evening, Cologne, Germany Event
Q: I’m not able to handle my direct boss. I don’t know if it is about wanting to avoid pain – if it is something old that is coming up and showing on the outside. Every night I can’t go to sleep because the next morning I have to go there, yet I don’t want to avoid anything that’s for me.
John: You need to love. For you to love, you need to give your heart. You need to live with your heart being given, and all the way through. Then the interior of your face is made of delicacies of being, with all of the subtleties of that meaning more to you than your self.
Q: My boss likes to cut with words and it just simply hurts.
John: If it simply hurts then it isn’t a problem. If her behavior limits the deep in you from coming out then your heart isn’t given. It isn’t given to the deep in you. All that she can bring out of you is what you’re in. If what you’re in is mixed, then your expression will be mixed.
Q: What I respond with is pain. I’m not closing, just simply in pain. It hurts!
John: The pain is your help.
Pain helps you, as awareness, to be all-in, to be completely in, or pain helps you to be other than completely in. Pain is always helping you. If the pain is helping you in, in to all of the available deep, then as much as anything can hurt, you’ll have in that not even a speck of self-pity, not a speck of feeling sorry for your self. All of the feeling goes to what you know. Then the greater the pain, the bigger your heart.
Your heart is able to be as big as you are: much, much bigger than your self. Then there’s no difference between awareness and heart. And you will love. You will live because your heart is given. Your hurting heart is given. Hurting or no hurting, your heart is given. A heart given makes way in your self.
There isn’t anything then that prevents it: not your self; not your past; not anything that you can think; not anything that you can feel. Nothing outside of you and no one outside of you prevents it. The expression of freedom is that you give your heart. That means that you love.
Q: I gave my heart, and I do love what I know.
John: Then you’ll be developing a darling kind of self and nothing prevents it. Then you’ll be developing a darling kind of person and nothing prevents it.
Q: I just couldn’t see if leaving the situation was better, or staying in it and growing.
John: Whatever is most deeply clear you simply do, whether that’s leaving the situation or remaining in it, and that you’ll neither leave nor stay for personal reasons. Then, in either direction, your heart is all given. There’s no reserve in your heart. That’s what makes you safe for others. When your heart is all given, you know what you are because you know what you belong to, and that there’s nothing that interferes with the belonging. Profound belonging makes a different self.
If there isn’t a tightening, within, then for you in your heart to be cut is for you, by someone else to be opened; anyone is free to open you. Someone can open you with openness or with being closed. Someone else can open you with openness, with softness or with hardness. You are always openable. If someone opens you with hardness, it is to their detriment. It is never to your detriment, even though it can feel like it. You’ll be dealing with others in a delicate fairness and never out of personal reasons. You will be safe even for those who are not safe with themselves or safe for others. You will love even if no one knows it or sees it.
You need to love. You need to love. You need to love far beyond what you can grasp in your self. Then everything that happens to you makes you flourish. If someone heals you or cuts you, delicacies of being flourish. If that’s what you are in, it becomes your self. If that is what you are still in, it becomes your person.
Subscribe for more
There’s two ways to subscribe and listen to the John de Ruiter Podcast
1. All Podcasts: Listen to present and past podcast episodes right from our website!
2. Subscribe Free on iTunes: Download past episodes and subscribe to future episodes for free from The John de Ruiter Podcast on iTunes (iPhone users can download the Podcast App to subscribe automatically as well!)