JdR Podcast 348
Longing to Belong
How is it that even in connection with others we can feel alone, or even worse: offended and hurt by others’ ways? The desire to belong and be at home within while meeting with others is unravelled in this conversation, showing the way forward that also takes us deeper, bringing with it new perspective.
"Take no offense at someone else’s behaviour. If you’re not taking offense, then there is in you an openness and a softness of heart despite the circumstance you’re in, despite how someone else is."
—John de Ruiter
With John de Ruiter from the September 9, 2011 Amsterdam, The Netherlands Event
Q: I’ve been longing to meet, longing for the heart to be rested and home and looking at where do I belong. I’d like you to talk about the two things together: being longing and belonging. I do know that here I feel home.
John: You belong within. You belong to the deepest within that you have awakened to. When you are enjoying belonging to that, when you’re enjoying being that, then you also find that that within belongs to the same that is in others. That has you from within belonging with others, belonging with others in a way that isn’t dependent on how others are being.
What you are coming from, within, is what you’ll be finding in others. It won’t be mattering what the other is being or doing. You’ll still find in others what you are coming from, within. You’ll naturally see in others what you are coming from, within. If you are coming from what is deeper than what your self is, you’ll be seeing the same in others despite what kind of self they have. You’ll see the deeper in others regardless of what the other is being or doing. You will be touched by someone else’s within even if they’re not. There is no loneliness if you are touched by someone else’s within. You can be touched by someone else’s within even if they’re not touched by their own within.
If someone else’s crust is really strong, then their crust will in some way be injuring something of your person. If you’re receiving the injury then the injury doesn’t separate the two of you. If you react to that injury then you’ll be taking the injury. When you take the injury from another, you’re separate from the other. You’re making what you’re experiencing all about the other so then you’ll be injured and you’ll have no meeting within or without.
If someone is doing something to you, in some way there’s going to be some kind of injury. If you receive the injury then the injury is out of the way. If you’re receiving the injury then there is still a connection of intimacy between the two of you. Where there is intimacy you have your own being. If there isn’t a touch of intimacy while you’re with someone, then you’re not having your own being and you’ll be longing for what it is that you’re lacking. You’ll be longing for something of your own being, and you’ll want that to be coming from the other, so you’ll be projecting onto the other what the other fails to do.
If there is a lack from the other and you receive that lack, then you’re really seeing the other. Then someone else’s lack, instead of offending you, touches you. You have room for the other despite the lack that’s there. You have your own being and, from within your own being, in some way you’re meeting with the other. Loneliness isn’t possible.
If you’re already coming from what has no lack, then in the midst of lack that is outside of you, you’ll still be meeting. You’ll be encountering the same outside of your self that you’re coming from, within. You’ll be touched within by what is really there, despite how much lack there is.
If you have a longing, then you are not entirely separate from what it is that you are a little separate from; that while separate you’re still connected. Within the longing you’re still connected enough that you’re feeling what it is that you’re separate from.
Q: It can also become a bit of an addiction to stay in the longing and not be that.
John: (Nods) It will give you an experience of your self and it will keep you separate. Your self doesn’t have the same value that your deeper interior has. Your deeper interior must have the greater value. When it has the greater value, then the value of your self is within perspective. If it’s within perspective, you’ll also have others within perspective. You’ll have a greater perspective of what others are doing or not doing, being or not being.
If you’re seeing the deeper interior of another, you’ll have a heart understanding for the lack; not only that they have but the lack that they’re being. From your heart you’ll be seeing their own misunderstanding. You’ll have a heart understanding for their separation. You’ll see their own deeper interior and that they’re being separate from it. You’ll have a heart understanding in that. You won’t be holding against the other their own separation and you’ll receive your own harsh tone instead of reacting to it. As soon as you receive it you’ll be touched in your own heart by your own interior. When you receive someone else’s harsh tone you won’t be offended by their harsh tone. If you receive your own harsh tone you won’t be offended that you are having a harsh tone. There is heart understanding in that. That connects you to what is deeper within while there is a harsh tone.
If you are receiving whatever is there, there is anew in your heart an openness and a softness. Where there is in your own heart an openness and a softness, you are as awareness connected to your own being. It shows in your heart. It shows in the openness and the softness.
Take no offense at anything that happens or doesn’t happen. Take no offense at someone else’s behaviour or lack of behaviour. If you’re not taking offense, then there is in you an openness and a softness of heart despite the circumstance you’re in, despite how someone else is. If you’re not taking offense at anything in the other, then from within your own openness and softness you are feeling the real in the other even if it is covered in the other.
For you to be that way and for you to do that is going to be big of you. You are, within, actually that big, that capable, that able. Your self isn’t that big. Within, you are actually bigger than your self, so then you need to be always bigger than your self. If you are being bigger than your self you won’t be taking your self to heart. You’ll be moving past your self instead of taking your self to heart.
As soon as you take your self to heart you become closed and hard in your heart. You’ll be separate from what you really are: bigger than your self. The softer you are within, the more open you are within, the bigger you are; always bigger than your self, meaning that the condition of your self no longer fundamentally affects you. It can be the same with others; that their self no longer fundamentally affects you because you are bigger than your self.
You’ll have perspective concerning your self and theirs. You’ll see the deeper in everything.
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