JdR Podcast 321
Being a Love Team: Fulfilling the Purpose of Relationship
What is the relationship for, what needs to go and what needs to thrive? John gives the couple in this dialogue a new purpose: to be a love team. He shows them how it will take them into a relationship of real belonging, mutual enchantment and adoration.
"In being a love team, value openness and softness of heart more than being right. If you are being right, you’re wrong."
—John de Ruiter
With John de Ruiter from the July 4, 2011, Edmonton, Canada Summer Seminar
Q (She): We are here together in front of you, with you in support of something that is different between us – different and good. It feels like it’s taking responsibility for why we are together and what we have to give together. I know that in this we are raising each other like children. Something started to be different in Mariano. I could see more clearly the child in him and we are slowly changing. I wanted to ask for guidance in that because it’s so subtle that it’s almost invisible. It seems like I could just let it pass, but also I know it’s more important than everything else.
John: If you relate to him from within the same in you, there will be mutual enchantment. As that becomes stable in your self and in his, you will have mutual adoration.
Q: We bring out of each other everything: a lot of patterns and a lot of goodness. What is the purpose of the relationship?
John: For the two of you to be a love team.
Q: How can I bring more to this love team? Because it feels like the purpose of this team is to give.
John: Let anything that is yours that takes away from the love team die in you. If it doesn’t die in you, it will push the love team beneath the surface where it becomes more and more difficult to reach. The love team needs to thrive on the surface. It needs to thrive where negative emotion thrives on the surface.
Q: I have a sense of how to let what I don’t need die in me. But can you expand on that?
John: To not let it have voice or movement. The way to not let it have voice or movement on the surface is for you to not let it have voice or movement in the privacy of your heart. Whatever has your heart will have the surface.
Q: The last time I talked with you, you said I had a tendency towards heartlessness and I’ve been seeing that a lot lately. I wanted to know if you can see if it’s connected to not having a strong backbone?
John: If you are heartless you will use your backbone in service of your self. If you’re being heartful you will use your backbone in service of delicacies in your heart. In being a love team, value openness and softness of heart more than being right. If you are being right, you’re wrong. If you are being right you will be heartless. As soon as you are being right there isn’t love. Whatever you win in being right, you lose. As soon as you see it, disqualify your self. In the midst of the conversation, or whatever it is that is taking place between the two of you, disqualify your self.
Q: And I will see more. I have seen this and it lets me see more.
John: It lets you see what is most worth seeing. As soon as you see that you are being right, with a tenderness of heart, extend to him that you have been wrong. That is your heart’s appeal to being a love team.
Q: Thank you. I see how that makes me more vulnerable and available.
John: If you’re not giving that, you are taking something. If you are not giving your heart to the love team, you are taking something. Like being his, instead of needing to be right. Use your backbone for being his, for belonging to him in your heart.
Q: I love that. I like to be his.
John: Live liking being his. Then you are in relationship. If you are really living belonging to each other, then you are real parents. If you are really belonging to each other, the child knows it belongs.
Q: (He): I find there was a shift in me a few weeks ago. With that comes a real wanting to participate. I don’t know if there’s something you can you say about how to be with my wife … how to support this love team?
John: Live loving belonging to her. The belonging is in your heart, and when it’s in your heart it comes through everything else. If she is being right, pay for her. You pay for her being right. If you are paying for her being right, you have the real possibility of being able, with your heart, to reach her. For you it is all about reaching her. Anything that you see that you know isn’t helping you reach her, don’t have it. If it doesn’t help you reach her you don’t need it. You need to live reaching her.
In being a love team, in whatever the two of you are doing, each is being reached by the other. That’s what makes the two of you really together, living in mutual adoration. Don’t let anything at all come in between the two of you, by the other, being reached. When you have heart listening you are reachable. If you’re not being reachable then you’re wrong. If you’re not reaching her, don’t do what you’re doing, even if you think that what you’re doing is right.
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