Excerpt from January 1, 2012 Edmonton, Canada Winter Seminar Afternoon Meeting
Q1: I find myself in a position of nagging my husband to come here to talk to you. My sense is that sometimes he’s not quite in line with the process. I don’t want to be judgmental of him, but I do find myself telling him to go and talk to you because I sense that we’re losing direction.
John: It is something that you know he is to do. You’re clear about that. Don’t use your person or your self to administer your clarity. Give what you are knowing to him, what you are knowing the truth of. Give it with a heart of inexperience. If you include your experienced self, your experienced person, then you’ll be making realness personal. You’ll be judgmental and nagging. You’ll be telling him what to do for personal reasons even though it is based on what you know the truth of. What you know the truth of needs to come through cleanly. It has in it no expectations, no force, no embellishments. It isn’t at all personal. It’s just clean clear knowing in you about him. Give it to him cleanly. With such a heart, if you know he is to do something, then you need to tell him what to do. Have nothing in you of making him do what you are knowing he is to do. Then giving to him what you are knowing for him, what you are knowing of him, is you giving your heart to him. You won’t be speaking from within the relationship. You’ll be speaking to him from within the bond. It takes the two of you to where the two of you started.
If you are thinking that he should do something, but you’re not knowing that he should do it, then you also need to tell him what you think, without there being gravity in it. From within the bond you’ll be sharing with him your thinking. The appeal is to him. It is a meeting of two hearts through the presentation of what you are thinking. The sharing of thinking is then sharing in each other. If you don’t make the thinking personal, then each of you are able to speak about what you’re thinking. Your thinking doesn’t need to be the same. Your thinking can be different while what you are in is the same. You are not in the relationship; you are in the bond, seeing each other and speaking to each other.
There isn’t value in someone being right. There is value in clarity winning. It doesn’t matter who it is in, and within whom it comes from. In saying what you’re knowing, it is not made better or clearer when you give it with the use of emotion. When you use emotion in saying it and in giving it then you’re not saying something. You’re forcing the other. You’re coercing the other into being something or into doing something. There is no bond in that. There’s no meeting in that. If you use will or emotion in giving what you’re thinking or in giving what you’re knowing, you’ll be using it to deliver your personal agenda. What you think or what you know needs to stand on its own. If what you speak to each other is free of a personal agenda, then you’ll be giving everything just simply as it is. What is clear in it is the bond that you’re in. Then, talking about what you’re thinking, or saying to each other what you’re knowing, is real communion. As soon as you are being right you are not actually together and there is no communion. Don’t be right and don’t be wrong. Be together.
When the bond matters most, you’ll be doing what each other knows. When the relationship is based on the bond the way of the relationship is the way of the bond. When you’re knowing something that’s true for the other, then you’ll be giving that as it is, from within the bond, in being together. You will be telling each other what to do. That is loving each other. From within the bond, being together in the bond, you need to be able to always say what you feel, what you think, and what you know. From within the bond, when you receive what the other is feeling or thinking or knowing, you change. You don’t remain the same. When there is a personal agenda, then despite your knowing, your feeling and your thinking, the good is gone.
Q1: Can I ask about how to recognize a personal agenda?
John: When you have emotion in it, when you have a personal need for him to hear what you’re saying, you will use emotion in saying it. If you don’t have a personal need, you’ll need no emotion to say it. Then you are simply speaking. If you are simply speaking and the other isn’t receiving, then in that moment there isn’t a real relationship. If you’re needing the other to receive, then there is also, in that moment, not a real relationship. There isn’t direct relating. You’re not together. You’re in relationship. You need to be together.
Q1: If I’m simply speaking and he doesn’t receive, is there anything I can do about it?
John: You can receive the lack. You can receive the separation. You can simply speak and in your heart receive the results. It doesn’t matter what the result is. You need to receive it. If the result is a hardness from the other or if the result is a softness from the other, you need to receive it. Softness, received, softens. Hardness, received, softens.
When you speak something, when, from within the bond, you simply speak, it means that you’re changing. In speaking you know within that you’ll be receiving into your heart the result. When that is how you speak to each other, when that is what speaking to each other means, your conversation is communion. In it you’re growing, you’re changing, you’re evolving. Your meeting, your love, is new.
When you see couples up front here exchanging their vows, you are witness to exquisite, real conversations, speaking to each other from within the bond. Each receiving what the other is speaking. They’re together; they see each other; they receive each other. They’re speaking to each other, hearing each other, and you’re touched in your heart in witnessing the real communication. You can see it. You can hear it—and you love it.
Q1: I can see that I’m willing to speak. I’m not always fully willing to receive.
John: Real speaking is a promise to receive. Speaking is a solid, profound responsibility. How scared you are in it isn’t a determining factor. If you are being authentic in the speaking then your being scared reveals your authenticity to the other. When he is clean in what he is saying to you and he is frightened in what he’s saying to you, you are hanging on every word. When you’re seeing him, you’re hanging on every word. When you are in the bond and together, every kind of communication is powerful. Everything goes in. When you are in the bond and together, disagreement is communion, the two of you being of the same, even when you’re not of the same mind. Disagreement is as nurtureful as agreement. In a realness disagreement, no one is being right. Both are being together. This is what you’re together for.
Q1: John, can I ask you about reaction, because if I speak and there is hardness or pushing on the other side, it doesn’t quite feel like together?
It isn’t together. Instead of being together, you’re being right. When you’re being right it doesn’t matter how right you actually are, you’re really wrong.
Q1: So, if I find myself reacting that means…?
John: You’re wrong.
Q1: Does that mean that when I was speaking I actually had an agenda there?
John: As soon as you have emotion in it, you have an agenda, a personal agenda. Using emotion in speaking means that you’re fortifying from a personal level what you’re saying. When you use a weapon to say something you’re not actually saying something. You’re using your weapon. When you are coming from within the bond and being with him, when you are simply telling him what to do because you’re knowing something, you’re loving him.
As soon as your emotional stick is conveniently close to use, you’re not loving him. In relating directly together, you don’t need the use of force. You’re together. As soon as you are mad at him about something, the value that is in what you’re mad about has been consumed by your madness. Love seeing that. In loving seeing that, upsetness in you will make you softer than what you were before.
The two of you are married. That means that the two of you together don’t need any boundaries. Two sweetie pies. One love pie.
Purchase the audio of the entire meeting
Choose a format: