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JdR Podcast 354

Your Life Redeemed by Your Surrender

In this dialogue a woman describes being pulled in two separate directions with regard to knowing and a sense of wanting control. John explains what’s happening to us when we’re called deeper: the choices to be made, the cost and what it means to remain true to deeper knowledge.

"The redemption of your self, your person and your life comes by your entire surrender to real knowledge within, fulfilling in form your own evolution as awareness."

—John de Ruiter

This dialogue also appeared on VOD-000

Podcast Transcript

With John de Ruiter from the November 1, 2010, Munich, Germany Event

Q: I wanted to come to the chair today because I don’t want to escape. What I’m mostly sensing is two pulls. What I sense is this pulling in that direction, and then there is the complete opposite on this end, where this control doesn’t want to let go. It’s a bit like I have a dog on a leash and one way wants to happily go to the park and run and be free, and then there’s the other one and the owner says “no, no, no, we’re not going there.” Somehow awareness needs to make a choice of where it belongs. 

John: Your greatest opportunity, as awareness, is within those things that are most difficult in your self, in your relationship with what you know the truth of, within. What you might most want to do in your self is based on all of the experiences that you’ve already had in your self, and those experiences forming ways for you as awareness in your self. For you to move as awareness by real knowledge, you’ll be breaking away from all of the ways in your self. The ways in your self will not be your way anymore. The longer that you’re working on that, the easier it is for you to move away from the ways in your self. 

The most difficult is when your own knowing has presence in the midst of these ways in your self. That’s when you experience what you know the truth of within and what you’re wanting in your experience. What you’re wanting within your feeling and your thinking and your emotions to do has to do with your self. That isn’t a bad thing. That just is how you are in your self based on decades of patterning, decades of prior experience. You’ll naturally relate to what is most suitable to you on a self level. That’s where all of your most worked-out form is. 

When you come into real awareness, pointed awareness of the knowledge of the truth within, the ways in your self can no longer be your ways as awareness anymore, so then you’ll be experiencing two pulls within: the one into your self based on your own experience, the pull that has you being aware of what is most suitable to you on the level of your self. There will also be what you have experience of, of what is deeper within: your experience of the calling within, providing a pull within that has nothing to do with what you’ve ever had as a self. Some of it you have experienced in your self, but it isn’t of your self. 

For you to be siding as awareness with the deeper pull, the ways of your self will come apart. Your self will become disarranged in what is suitable to it. You won’t be catering to your self anymore. You’ll be favouring what’s deeper within at any cost to your self. Being that clear within enables your self to come apart without your protecting your self from that. That makes way for the development of a different kind of self, a self that you’re not at all used to: a self that is different, that is bigger. 

As you remain true within to the deeper knowledge within, your living by that in the midst of a self that isn’t suited to that enables the forming of new ways and a new patterning – a patterning developed by your own awareness, a structuring formed by what real knowledge you have, instead of by what you feel: what suits a feeling in your self, a kind of thinking in your self that you’re already accustomed to. As you surrender to knowledge within, you will be coming to feel within: delicate feeling within that is really different than what your self is. Of that feeling, as you remain in the knowledge that creates it, you’ll be coming into a different kind of thinking, a subtlety of thought that again is really different than what your self is like.

As you remain in the new delicacies of feeling and the newness of thinking, you’ll be in the very beginning of forming new ways in your self: feeling and thinking that relates directly to your knowledge within. The thinking and the feeling are then a direct reflection of what you know the truth of, within. As long as you’re remaining true to that, your movement in your self and your movement in life won’t be corresponding to the kind of self you have. In your experience, you’ll be going against your self. You’ll be pointedly no longer true to your self. Instead, you’ll be true to your real knowledge within in the midst of a self that isn’t suited to that. Your self won’t die, but your former relationship with the kind of self you have will all die.  

Q: What I sense is the breaking away of awareness from that old self into the alignment with the deeper and the other, which becomes, then, much more of a lucidity It moves in a very different way: unattached, yet attached to something else. 

John: That comes from having a continuity of profound feeling, where you’re feeling by way of knowledge instead of feeling by way of your self. That enables your own being – what you are as a being – to have presence in your self. It changes your experience of presence – your own presence.

Q: So it comes down to awareness siding …

John: Awareness siding, surrendering, choosing, liking, loving what matters more within than what your self is. As that becomes your way, your self will slowly change and become the same, enabling you to be what your self is, because it is the same as what real knowledge is. It’s been made to be the same, by you. 

Q: Then it’s truly one. That’s the alignment; that’s the one flow.

John: You can have oneness without form. That requires only awakening, but that oneness only actually means as much to you as awareness as it is free to have all of your form, for that oneness to move into form, meaning that your entire self will change to match. Your person will change. Your life will change. Without that, the love of the truth within isn’t entire. 

The evidence of your being true to knowledge within is that it is free to come into form: to come into form within all of the patterns and structures of your self, at first causing chaos – a constructive chaos – causing entire change, a re-forming of your self. Every bit of that re-forming you’ll experience in your self. It isn’t a pleasant experience.

Q: I’ve experienced some of that. Was that to do with integrating the uncertain bits or just to wake the other up; to give me a taste of it?

John: It gives you a taste of it and it has you giving permission as awareness for much more real knowledge to be seen in your self. The permission given for that is felt in a positive way, meaning that you won’t be really realizing the implications of what you’re giving permission to. You know the truth of what you’re giving permission to, but you don’t realize how this will greatly be upsetting to your self once the upset lands in your self. There’ll be fires started everywhere. Your inclination within your self is to be putting out all of these fires and to keep your self separate from what started them. You’ll want to save your self from what you know the truth of.

Then you begin to face the real cost of being, as awareness, living knowledge in your self. That has you facing being what you know. It causes suffering in your self. The experience of your self will be very strong of likes and dislikes.

Q: Like everything is under an enlargement glass: little dragons come out everywhere. Everything tries to stop it somehow. It’s part of survival structures …

John: Everything that you’ve put in place throughout your life, you’ll experience as enlivened mechanisms, mechanisms that work to save you from what you know the truth of. They were all put in place, one at a time and you’ll begin to experience many of them at the same time. These mechanisms will work in the way that you intended them to be.

The experience of all of this being painful and really clear – unmistakably clear – is a goodness. It enables you to see exactly what’s occurring in your self in a way that you can’t miss. Everything that you wouldn’t have wanted to see before is, as you say, magnified. The reality of it as a magnification is just in your experience. The truth of it is it was always that big and that strong, but you’ve worked out into your self not seeing it for what it is, so you’ve made it smaller and smaller.

Q: That’s the hiding. It’s like corner-hiding-stuff. 

John: It puts real knowledge into perspective of your likes and your dislikes, whereas now your likes and  your dislikes are being put into perspective of real knowledge. The simplicity of this is that you can be and do what you know the truth of, within, in the midst of your patterned and structured self, and in the midst of your patterned and structured life, and everything will change, and you’ll experience and feel every little bit of the unpleasantness of that, making real your relationship to knowledge within. It’s costing you in your self every little step of the way, and there’s no let-up. 

If you’re really wanting to live for the knowledge of the truth within, this makes it easy – not in your experience, but in your seeing. The bigger the price that you pay for something – anything – the more awareness you’ll have in what you’re doing, the more clear you’ll be in your choices. 

If you were to purchase something in life that would cost you everything that you’ve acquired in your life: you’d have to sell everything to have just enough money to make that one purchase, the cost of that and what you’d be going through, you would be only clear in your mind and in your heart all about what you’re doing. Cost makes clear. When the cost is, within, to your self, the cost of being all of your own real knowledge within, it will cost you all of your self. The price is your entire self.  As you move into that and through that, all of your clarity will be pooled together into one point, that point of real knowledge within, causing a great shake-up within all of your self.

Q: The way I’ve sensed it, it’s like it’s coming to this point, and a drawing.

John: Your surrender to that will be the engagement of suffering in your self. 

Q: Yes, that’s why I feel both sides. I feel the both of them and I’m in the  middle ground.

John: You’re facing the cost of all costs. You’re facing the undoing of what you’ve lived for in your self and the putting together of living for something within that is unseen.   

It doesn’t have its form yet. Your self doesn’t move in the same way that your own real knowledge is, within. For it to move the same way is done by you; being what that real knowledge is, in the midst of your self, bringing about its entire change.

Q: Is that also then the dissolving of all of the ego bits? Is that where the bottom-line stuff comes up? 

John: The ego is the form that you’ve developed of your not real and true relationship with your self, a relationship with your self contrary to all real knowledge within, and it’s used as an escape from what that real knowledge is. When, as awareness, you take away importance from what you know within is of greatest importance, you’ll be giving that importance to something that is created by you in your self: a self-creation, a false importance. That sense of importance, as awareness, will be what your ego is.

Q: It’s extraordinary how creative we are in that. 

John: Brilliant. 

Q: And if you set that free, I think the creativity will sky-rocket. 

John: Brilliant. 

Q: There’s no stopping it!

John: Loosed, it will develop an extraordinary self, a self that matches real you, with all of its abilities; the only kind of self that actually satisfies you.

Q: So I’ll be in serious trouble. 

John: Serious, constructive, wholesome trouble. 

You’ll be reconstituting your entire self. It will all come apart and it will all come back together in ways that are foreign to your self, but completely at home with knowledge within. Your self is then home for the deepest you, and the kind of you that used to be home in your self, an egoic you, won’t be any more. Neither will its home be anymore.

Surrender to knowledge, loosed into all of the forms of your self is the end of ego. Everything that you have forced as awareness in your self to be true that had no basis in profound reality, that had no basis in real knowledge, together with all of its inflation, will simply be gone. What you’ve made to be true, all on its own, doesn’t stand; it stands only by your maintaining presence in it. The maintaining of presence in that is your experience of what ego is. Everything that doesn’t suit it offends it. The offense is its own defense against real knowledge within. 

Q: And does the deconstruction go in one go?

John: ‘All in one go’ is the surrender to knowledge. Then there’s a further into form ‘all in one go’, and that is the clear decision that you make in your heart supporting your choice, as awareness, of surrender to knowledge, and loosing the decision in your heart in the midst of all of your self to manifest that first level of choice that will be the undoing in your experience of the life of your self. ‘All in one go’ with as much form as you’re capable of – all of it. That being sustained in the removal of one brick at a time of what your self is, without damaging anything. There’s no self-deprecation in the deconstruction of your self. Deconstruction is accomplished by such beingness within as kindness.

Do what you know the truth of, making all of the relevant changes in your self all done for that knowledge within, and done with the kind of beingness that you know to be, within, and to be coming from. Then you are engaged as the full, aware, evolution of what you first are, and that being given every form that you have including the most unsuitable forms, forms not suitable to your knowledge within, but in its kind deconstruction, every little part of that form is of use in the building of the beauty of knowledge. 

There is no bigger self that wasn’t, in every little bit of it, earned. 

Q: And the ‘earned’ is the sorting-out.

John: The sorting-out and the rebuilding, the re-forming. The entire way you’ve lived your life won’t be the same anymore. As awareness, by real knowledge, you’ll be living out your self, your person, your life and your relationship with everything around you, differently, with none of it just happening. The cost of it makes it such that none of this will just simply happen. None of this, at all, happens on its own, or happens all by itself. It doesn’t happen by grace. What happens by grace is your coming into an experience of real knowledge, your coming into an awakening within. Everything else is by your true-to-knowledge real being and doing. 

Your most immense opportunity in this, your greatest opportunity in this, the greatest cost to you in this, is already gone.  

Your greatest opportunity as awareness to be what you know the truth of is in your first awakening to it, where everything in your self is contrary to the implications of the awakening; where your own knowledge within is quietest and smallest; where the knowing within first touched, and the entirety of your self, your person and your life could have come into complete change at that time, costing you the very most. The greatest opportunity for awareness in its evolution is at that point. Knowledge keeps touching and moving, within, appealing to you as awareness as your continued partial surrender to what that is, within, gives it its increase. As the increase of the knowledge and the truth comes about in your own awareness, your opportunity in evolution slowly decreases. The truth of it is that you could have been dealing with what you are dealing with now, years ago.  

All of that is behind you. The opportunity for you as awareness is what that opportunity is now. The power of that opportunity is immense; it is still enough to change all of our forms, your whole course in your evolution as awareness. Your lost opportunities, in your being honest to your knowledge of them, helps you in your present opportunity.

What stands all on its own in what you are as awareness after your body is gone is the continuity of opportunity measured only by real knowledge – your real knowledge – of what this entire life was. It was all for your evolution as awareness. What stands on its own is your use of that throughout this whole life; using opportunity, having the power to use opportunity for what is either truly you, or using opportunity for something of yours: evolving your likes and dislikes instead of using opportunity to evolve what you are as awareness; the fullness of that evolution taking place only in your being knowledge within and moving as that knowledge within through your forms and then as your forms. 

The redemption of your self, your person, and your life comes by your entire surrender to real knowledge within, and paying the real price of that in your self and in your person, in your life, fulfilling in form your own evolution as awareness.

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