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JdR Podcast 336

Is Disability Coming Between You and Your Child?

A mother feels entangled in the difficulties of her handicapped child's condition and asks how she can be of real help. John shows how they can meet and enjoy each other without the condition getting in the way, which will also help the condition.

"Don’t wait for the two of you to die for the two of you to be together without her condition being a filter between you, or a boundary. Be with her in the way that the innocence of a small child would be with her."

—John de Ruiter

This dialogue also appeared on VOD-000

Podcast Transcript

With John de Ruiter from the January 27, 2018 Tiruvannamalai, India Event

Q: I’m entangled in the story of my daughter who’s ill. She’s strongly handicapped and needs a lot of help, and there is a lot of tension. I don’t know how to help her and I’m entangled in the suffering of it.

John: You make her all about her condition, which makes your self all about her condition. Do what you can for her condition without you connecting her condition to your self or to her. What that really means is that, for her, you don’t see a problem on account of her condition: you directly knowing her and seeing her, enjoying her, first has no connection to her condition. That relieves her of needing to perform as her condition, for you.

When you are directly knowing her, seeing her, enjoying her without any view to her condition, she is free to relax from being her condition. She’ll have you despite your self and despite her condition. There’s nothing lacking in that. She realizes that her condition doesn’t imprison her. She’s not imprisoned in her body and in her mind.

You be free of her body and her mind, and in some time she will see you and follow you. Her condition, in a peculiar way, makes it simple for her and for you: the two of you together despite her condition in a way that is so rested, so clean, so clear, that the condition no longer makes a difference.

You’ve been, through your concern, oppressing her with the effect that her condition has on your self, and projecting that onto her. You project it all on her through your concern. It’s all mixed into your love. You make it difficult for her to see. Like making it easy. Lightly do what you can for her condition, and when it comes to her, be sweetly oblivious of her condition

Don’t wait for the two of you to die for the two of you to be together without her condition being a filter between you, or a boundary. Be with her in the way that the innocence of a small child would be with her. The innocence sees something different but doesn’t comprehend the condition.

Q: I can feel the truth of every word you speak, inside.

John: If you are at home in being nobody and nothing, you have free access into her.  You’ll make it easy for her to know and to see. It won’t work well if you do this just with her. It works really well if you’ll do this with everything in your self, everything in your life, every relationship you have. Then, as soon as she sees your face and your eyes, she sees you see her.

Q: Thank you. You’re very clear.

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