JdR Podcast 309
Why Do I Feel the Need to Be Special?
This man no longer finds satisfaction in things he once enjoyed and feels alone and separate. He fears losing his uniqueness if he stops all his doing. John shows him how only by being at home in his heart, as nobody and nothing, can he know his true uniqueness and be free of his genetics.
"When you are at home in your heart, you are free of your genetics. As soon as you’re free of them, they open and they begin to change."
—John de Ruiter
With John de Ruiter from the April 30, 2016, Poleg Beach, Netanya, Israel Event
Q: I’m separate from so many things that I used to be in contact with, like friends, people, even family. I’m far away, and sometimes I feel even desperation – very alone feelings. Things I used to do or love to do don’t give me satisfaction anymore.
John: Lovely. That’s good. The shine of illusion is wearing off.
Q: Something is so right. I feel very well when I find a place that I can bring light, for example, or make things better for my friends, for people that I work with, but sometimes when I’m alone I cannot find this feeling of uniqueness by doing nothing, by dropping movement. Some part of me wants to express his love or his light but not in an active way, not in a physical way. Something wants to just stop moving, stop doing, but the way I can bring myself is by doing.
John: You’re not unique unless you’re quietly at home in your heart. If you’re not there, you’re fuelling your genetics. There’s nothing unique about your genetics. Your genetics can give you an experience of being unique, and that experience doesn’t tell you the truth. It will give you a feeling of power, and as you give in to it and participate with it, you are being disempowered.
When you are at home in your heart, you are free of your genetics. As soon as you’re free of them, they open and they begin to change. They’re made for change. The more that they change, the more that they begin, a little bit, to represent you.
Q: This is part of my fear: my father and my mother’s stories and the genetical, biological …
John: When you’re honest, you’re not afraid of that. Being afraid of it is a story that gives you a sense of being important in your self. That sense of importance makes you invisible.
You, lost in your self, can no longer see you in your heart and you in your being. All that remains in your experience, true to your experience, is that there is only you within the importance of your self and everything threatens that, so there, you live in fear.
As you relax in the midst of that, honesty opens and you begin to see. Your seeing awakens in your heart and the importance of your self begins to fade. Within your nervous system, that turns into vulnerability.
All of your uniqueness that you think you have, think you are or wish to be, when you relax, disappears. It isn’t real. It’s all genetic. When you no longer need it for you to have a sense of you, you’re returning to what you really are. There, there’s uniqueness, but you won’t feel it, you won’t see it, you won’t experience it. It’s a level of uniqueness that hasn’t come into form yet. It can’t come into form unless you’re being what you really are in the midst of a self that isn’t like you yet.
Q: This is also scary.
John: Only in your nervous system, and your nervous system doesn’t tell you the truth. Your uniqueness all passing away and disappearing, and you turning into no one and nothing is home to you.
It’s what you enter when you lie down to go to sleep. As you enter that and everything disappears, you’re not afraid and you don’t fear it. It answers you. It’s a level of nurture that your mind cannot comprehend.
When you’re awake in your day and when you’re asleep, in both you’re processing the mixture that’s there of truth and illusion, and it doesn’t matter how much mixture there is. That moment just before you fall asleep, you’re clean and you’re free. That’s your micro reset, and then as you sleep and later as you’re awake again, you’re processing. That processing, depending on what you’re being in it, increases the mixture or decreases the mixture.
Q: It feels so great to be now under your wings. Relaxation can go deeper.
John: Deeper into no-one and nothing that streams as a being, has a heart, has a self, has a person and a life. The genetics that it’s been given, in form, are changing.
Innocence doesn’t relate to uniqueness. Innocence relates to sameness. Innocence sees in others what it is, and it plays with the perception of differences and finds great humour in it.
Q: So it’s more to fall into something than reach to somewhere, like a dropping inside.
John: You can fall into her and wonderfully lose all of your uniqueness as you disappear into her, and there you are, streaming in her, moving as a being in her. It’s how you easily moved when you were really little.
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