Q: In the last meeting I had this experience that there were no more borders, no more limits. It felt as if I was just part of one big heart. It was not my heart anymore, as if we were one being or one big heart. But at some point I could sense my ego, my self like a fly buzzing around in my interior and trying to get out. I had this feeling that I was becoming addicted to my heart and preventing my self from going deeper into different dimensions of being. I guess my question was whether I can take this beautiful, open, golden heart with me into deeper realms of being?

John: No.

Q: I was afraid you would say that! So I am kind of addicted there.

John: The fly manages to get out. Once it’s out, it can’t go far away. It turns around, heads back in, gets addicted, becomes intoxicated, then recovers and has to get back out again, until the fly opens up a little bit deeper. The addiction thins out, the intoxication recedes into the background, and newness comes in.

Q: I was wondering at some point if I was looking through your eyes because it felt so completely new.

John: They are yours. From within you, a much deeper level in you, you are in recognition of and response to these deeper levels in me. As soon as you are dropped into that deeper level in you from which you respond, your eyes shift and your seeing changes.

Q: It’s as if this golden substance that I felt I was drinking to a point of satiation is being used more as a purging in my whole system. Is that so?

John: That’s because you’re going even deeper, yes. As you come into deeper levels of your being and these levels stream into your humanness, your humanness becomes purged of the level of humanness that you’re accustomed to.

Q: I can feel there’s a tiny bit of fear of losing the humanness that I’m acquainted with and that I so much treasure, this deep, warm, soft, openhearted humanness.

John: It isn’t the fear of losing your humanness; it’s just the fear of losing a sense of security within familiarity. It’s a little like living in a house, having a house, and after many, many years you strangely find these doors, and you’re confused as to how you’ve never seen them before. You open these doors and you find new rooms in your house, and you can either close the doors again and keep your sense of home in the way that it has always been, or you can let your whole home adjust and open and change to incorporate these new rooms.

You belong in every new level and dimension and region that you awaken to. Anything new that you awaken to and then embody is going to change your whole body. Everything that you awaken to belongs fully embodied, embodied by you not just in your self but fully in your person, in your life. As you live, your forms that you’re so familiar with get to change and change and change.

You don’t need your personality for you to be your self and you don’t need your self for you to be your heart, and you don’t need your heart for you to be in your being. And you don’t need your being for you to be pure you.

Q: So that comes down to nothing.

John: The source of everything, yes.

Q: Am I ready for this? I’m not sure.

John: You were coming into this before you were born. In being born, you came into so much more form. You need to embody all of that form and then continue where you left off, in the midst of all of that form. In that sense, you have been a long time waiting for this.

Q: Yes. I just love this process of embodiment.

John: Embodiment is the fulfillment of awakening. Without embodiment, awakening loses its value. There is no embodiment of a level deeper without moving through its dark night.

Q: I feel I have been going through dark night but maybe there’s more levels to that, as well.

John: Each one is seemingly more severe, which only brings to light what you no longer need. In having passed through, in moving through the dark nights without retreat, you end up being awareness pure, having need of nothing, which means that every level that you move through and integrate by moving through its night without retreat becomes safe, that you no longer have any fear of, and that you, awareness, are safe for that level of you.

In moving through its night, you are relieved of any tendencies of misuse of what you newly come into. Moving through the night makes you safe within that deeper level of light; that you’ll let that light move all the way through your heart, your self, your person into your life without conditioning that light: the embodiment of that level .

Q: So is this moving through the dark nights, is that part of the embodiment or is it more of this cleansing or purging?

John: It is a pre-embodiment purge.

Q: I experience more and more in my life that when I access those dark nights, that it’s becoming more and more safe and more intimate, like an inner, soft, velvet-like intimacy. Or is that something else?

John: That’s a result of you moving through the dark night of that level. That level becomes your home because you open to be the same as that level. Because of being the same, you not only have no fear in that level because of what is so different from what you’ve been familiar with, but you are also safe for that level. It’s all based on you opening to be the same as that deeper level of you.

Q: There was something you said before about the light coming up and out to my life. I didn’t really understand or get that.

John: Within a deeper level, a deeper level than your self, there is the light of that level and there is also the night of that level. Without moving through the night of that level, as you awaken to that new level, its light comes up into your heart, into your self, your person and your life, but as it does you’ll condition that light; you’ll adorn it with something of your past. But as you move through the night of that level, your whole way of relating becomes newly cleaned. You come into a deeper level of quietly having need of nothing, including the light of that level. You become free of the light of that level as you move through the night of that level. As you move through all of its night without retreat, you are cleaned out of any kind of need of that level and of its light.

Then, as the night passes and the light of that level again moves up into your heart, your self, your person and your life, you are clean, deeply clean, of adorning that light with anything; that light moving freely through all of your forms right into your life without adorning it. You’ll be embodying not just that light but the level from which it comes. Once embodied, where it has to do with that light in your person, your person and the level from which the light comes are the same.

Q: So does that mean the fly is out?

John: It’s out, as in, in all of that light, there are no flies. Embodiment of the levels of your being doesn’t come quickly and it costs everything not integrated in your self. There’s no embodiment unless where this light that comes from your being, as it comes into your self, whatever that light touches, you unconditionally open.

In that way, as the light of your being moves in your self and in your person, you are ruled by that light; that you within your self are being beautifully mastered by you from within your being. Embodiment is a dense process of mastery.

Q: I was just thinking that the experience I have of energy lately has really shifted; it’s becoming much more substantial, much more dense. Is that related to what you are talking about?

John: Yes. It greatly speeds up this process of you coming into deeper light, deeper night, and the embodiment all the way through into your person of what you’ve become, deeper within.

Q: And is there something I can do to allow this to happen, or is it just unfolding as it should as long as I’m opening?

John: Yes. It won’t “unfold as it should.” It unfolds as you most deeply, quietly within, open; as you open without return and without reward. All of this isn’t going to open. It isn’t going to happen. You, through and through are free to open, and because of that something will then happen. And that you’ll see.

As you go through these dark nights – the deeper the level, the darker the night – your subconsciousness is not only opened. Your subconscious self is opened and freed into your conscious self, which creates a lot of upheaval within your experience of your self. It is deeply destabilizing to your whole sense of self.

That is also a purging. It is a purging within your conscious self of needing your subconsciousness to be held at bay, to be kept separate, because any heaving of it into your experience always destabilizes. So in this way you, within your conscious self, are purged of any need to keep your subconsciousness separate from your experience. You no longer need a partition between your conscious self and your subconsciousness. Each is finally free to move into the other, which is you coming into the whole of your self.

It’s as you come into the whole of your self that any level of your being that pertains to that level of wholeness in your self is also free to pervade all of your self without your interference, without you adorning it with your self. So there the deeper light, within, freely masters the whole of your self.

This doesn’t all need to be understood, but in hearing it you do come into the resonance of it which changes your horizon.

Q: Right now the resonance is that of really heavy darkness and full of some thick, sticky, unpleasant material, and I don’t really know how to be with that.

John: I’ll lighten it all up for you. (laughter)

Q: Yes, please!

John: To use a metaphor, your self is a water barrel and you have this beautiful, clean water in it until you go in and stir up the deep, right at the very bottom, and all the sediment that’s there that you haven’t bothered with and stayed away from gets pulled up into all of the clean water, and your experience of your self is so murky.

As the new water comes in and as you keep moving in the deep, not avoiding how it creates such a murkiness because of all the sediment being evenly distributed within all of the water instead of just at the bottom, the more new water that comes in, slowly the cleaner all of the water becomes, and when it becomes all clean, it isn’t beautifully clean water because all of the sediment has settled and you’re protecting the deep from being stirred. The water is clean through and through. It wouldn’t matter how you stir it. It’s clean. That will take some time.

Q: I thought I had been living enough in murky water in this lifetime, but obviously not! Is this just personal or is it also collective, somehow, because it feels so immense?

John: It all has to do with your relationship as awareness with the personal and your relationship as awareness with the collective; you becoming free of each, and in your self cleaned of each. You then really do embody pure awareness.

Q: It feels like I’m going down through generations of self-hatred or something like that.

John: All such sediment. Once you’ve gotten through the personal, your personal subconsciousness, as you move deeper you’re opening up to the collective, first shown within your ancestry. It all hurts and none of it will hurt you.

Q: I was so afraid that I couldn’t contain it or that it would completely blow me apart.

John: Your body is beautifully made to process all such garbage. (laughter) As long as you’re open in it, none of it is too much.

Q: I feel safe now in it.

John: You’re quietly okay in it, that you’re actually fine in it; that you are all right. The more your relationship with your polarization loosens because of your deep openness, all that has been kept separate that you’ve most feared is free to come up where it can all open, because of you, and be cleaned.

Q: So much for having an open heart!

John: In this kind of upheaval, your experience isn’t going to tell you the truth of your heart. There is a lot more, and none of it is too much. You are made for this.