Excerpt from a dialogue with John de Ruiter on February 12, 2002
Q: I am feeling more pleasure running through my body, but feel guilt about it. I love dancing and love making, but then afterwards I get a pain in my body.
John: When the human consciousness realizes the consciousness of being and learns the enjoyment of it, that is innocence being filled with life, like when you are a little child with no personal agenda to direct such life. When there is an infilling of consciousness of being into human consciousness, that causes there to be sunshine within. When such sunshine within is used to motivate personal agendas, that diminishes the sunshine, and you become hard. Then what remains are personal agendas. When they’re let go of, there’s a sense of having no purpose, nothing is happening, emptiness. When this is quieted, there is stillness. If you then let it be infused with consciousness of being, there is sunshine within, brightness within, and the experience of happiness. If this is relaxed in, the brightness makes human consciousness grow and flourish. If used for itself, it begins to distort itself again. Brightness is to be enjoyed, not used for a purpose. Enjoy it without attaching to it; a very delicate balance. Don’t pull back from enjoying because of fearing attaching, also not attaching because it’s so enjoyable. That allows radiance to come through; then it fills everything else around without needing to or trying to, just as a little child does. You are to be happy, but you cannot confuse that with having happiness.
For pleasure to become stable, that requires a stable opening of the heart. When not stabilized, you can experience pleasure, but after the experience you will want to close. Let your heart stay open not just during, but also after. Letting the heart glow after pleasure; that takes apart the closing patterns. The glow in the heart takes place because of the goodness of pleasure. The enjoyment of goodness makes the heart glow. When you’re experiencing pleasure, go to the goodness of it. Remain in the knowing of the goodness. If you’re not in touch with the goodness of it then you’ll feel guilty. Love the goodness of it. Otherwise, you’ll pursue it and then run away from it. Be the knowing of good-ness instead of being the experience of pleasure. Love the goodness of it and the heart becomes stable in openness.
Sex is too big for a non-committed relationship. Desiring it does not mean you need it. When you need what you desire it will turn into want. Then you can’t be in your sexuality without needing to do something with it. When you use it for yourself you won’t discover what it is really for: union with God. Only integrated sexuality is fine enough to go there.