Excerpt from a dialogue with John de Ruiter on February 3, 2015
Q: Can sex be a pure expression of love? Whenever I have a relationship and it involves sex, something always goes wrong. I don’t know how to solve this.
John: By being in your sexuality without connecting the movement of your sexual energy to your self. Your sexuality belongs to your being. As long as you use it for your self, connect it to your self or reference your self in it, you keep it separate from your own being.
Your sexuality is designed so that when sexuality moves, it moves your being and when your being moves, that moves your sexuality. When it’s directly connected to your being, each moves the other. Then, as your sexuality moves, the levels of your self naturally align. Through its movement all of your levels align.
Q: I’ve never experienced that. I guess there’s a real separation in me.
John: Then begin with warmly being in your sexuality without doing something with it. The moment it turns into an attraction or an aversion, you’re cycling your sexuality through your self which keeps it separate from your being, because you have use for it. Even aversion to it means you have use for it.
Be in your heart as your sexuality is activated without doing something with that activation, so you’re just simply in it while you’re in your heart. Whether it increases or decreases makes no difference to you. The difference for you is that you’re in your heart. It isn’t about your experience of it.
Q: Is it about my experience of others, or not?
John: It’s not. It belongs to your being and it belongs to love. The movement of your being is love. Remain in your sexuality; leave out the sex. Your body needs to become re-patterned so that the movement of sexuality doesn’t hinge on your self and how you experience your self; it directly hinges on your own being. When you have sex your body is in a self-performance, which keeps your sexuality to your self.
Q: Can you say more about how it’s connected to love?
John: Every aspect of sex in its physicality and in its movement belongs to love and belongs to your being. If you’re not living directly connected to your being, then you’re left with surface level of sex and sexuality. You can’t go deeper in that without all of you going deeper. It needs to be your whole life. You can’t go deeper in one particular area of your self. You can slowly come into deeper levels of your sexuality, but if you have sex you won’t because of the patterning that already exists in your nervous system and in your body.
Q: Can this be with anyone, or does it have to be with somebody you definitely love?
John: Not with just anyone. Your reasons for having sex have been reasons that you can’t find in your own being, so when you engage sex you engage separation and you’re making separation physical. You’re not making love; you’re making separation.
Q: Yes, that’s why I’m scared of opening it up. I just make it worse. What shall I do?
John: Focus your entire life’s energy very quietly, very softly on awakening and realization.
Q: Will this solve my separation?
John: It’s not going to solve anything. It isn’t to solve anything. It is your return.