Excerpt from a dialogue with John de Ruiter on September 24, 2015
Q: You were talking just now about relating to polarity, the protection from the subconscious, and the contents of the subconscious. Quite frequently, either when I’m dropping off to sleep or at random times during the day, I either drop into something dark, or it seems to rise up in me. It feels very unpleasant and I have a sense that this is my ‘muck’ coming to the surface. Is that the contents of the subconscious?
John: Unlabelled contents.
Q: It’s unlabelled in the sense that I haven’t identified it yet?
John: Other than the feeling of it.
Q: So is it an opportunity to integrate that?
John: Without seeking to integrate it through labelling. The way to integrate it isn’t by putting it into a category that you find appropriate from the perspective of your self.
Q: Should I really be in it, or should I give it nothing? I wonder where to position my awareness in relation to it.
John: What is clear for you is to be openness regardless of that feeling; it’s not being openness so that you can work through the feeling, or make anything better.
Q: You mentioned the moment before sleep being an opportunity for something to open, but actually my moment before sleep is often where I drop into this darkness.
John: It isn’t the moment before sleep. It’s the moment you fall asleep. The moment you fall asleep, you tip into what you really are. As you fall asleep you’re tipping out of your person, your self, your past, your day – your whole existence. The moment you fall asleep, you’re tipping right into what you really are. After you’ve fallen asleep, you’ll easily tip out of that into a subconscious awareness that is in existence. You’re not doing something physically, but you’re moving through your subconscious interior.
Q: I’ve been aware of a sense of offence and defense in my self. So that will integrate just through openness?
John: If you don’t relate through polarity, yes.
Q: When you speak of non-polarization, what about evaluating something as ‘better’ or ‘worse’?
John: If you’re not free of polarization, you’ll need to get through your own use of evaluation. Evaluation is first used for polarization; it isn’t first used for something that’s real. What you really are is able to evaluate, so evaluation belongs to your being. It doesn’t belong to how you relate to your self. It doesn’t belong to your self. When the use of evaluation is polarized, you won’t be able to evaluate correctly.
Q: What does it look like to evaluate from my being?
John: Really different.
Q: Can you give an example?
John: You won’t be able to relate to evaluating with any kind of personal result in mind. Real evaluation is free of any kind of self-perspective. Evaluation is then not going to increase your sense of your self; it just enables what you really are, within the context of your self, to see.
Q: I thought you were suggesting no evaluation at all, so now I know there is evaluation – but coming from my being and if it’s something true.
John: If you’re not going to evaluate anymore, confine that to no longer using evaluation to do with your happiness. Use it for physical reality, but not internal reality where it seems to matter so much. Don’t use evaluation in relationship with your happiness or your lack of it.
Q: I have recently been using evaluation in trying to choose between two courses of action. I can see my patterning was involved.
John: It becomes quickly complicated when something on the surface is being evaluated to determine which direction to move in when there are any core beliefs in place. Core beliefs rule the outcome of evaluation.
Q: So we can move out of polarity through openness of heart, and without wanting to make anything better or different?
John: If it’s unconditional, yes. If you’ll be in your heart regardless of anything that’s taking place in your experience and on the surface, yes. You’ll return to your heart because that’s what’s true. You’ll stay in your heart in the midst of anything because that’s what’s true.
Polarity exists. It exists in this world, it exists in the self and it doesn’t need to exist in you.