JdR Podcast 275
The Vulnerability of Making Love: Finding Real Trust
This is a question about sex and intimacy. The questioner feels she resists intimacy and doesn't understand why, when love-making is full of sweetness, she still seems to avoid it. John shows her how to look for what she trusts. Where there is trust, love moves.
"Where there is trust, there is making love. Where there is any use of power, then there is taking sex. The more you take, the more coarse you become. Trust makes you delicate. Find where there is trust and swim in it." —John de Ruiter
—John de Ruiter
With John de Ruiter from the February 17, 2000 Edmonton Canada Meeting
Q: It is scary to talk to you about what I want to talk to you about. It’s to do with intimacy and sex. I know that I am afraid of intimacy and that I avoid it in all sorts of different ways, and there’s a limit to how far I will be intimate. I would like to be able to be more open to intimacy. I’ve got loads of ‘shoulds’ around making love, and when we do make love it is really beautiful and it’s really tender. It is such an expression of sweetness together, and yet we don’t make love very often, so there’s this ‘should’ in my head: we ‘should’ make love more often, and yet it doesn’t happen. It seems like it is because I control that; that it would happen more often if I were open to it more often. I know part of it is a fear and an avoidance of intimacy, but that doesn’t make sense if it is really beautiful when we do. Why would I place a limit on that? It seems it really isn’t about that, it is about how intimate I can be with anybody, with life, with you, how much I can let you in or let anybody in, and I’d really like to have your help.
John: See where you actually trust each other. It is that, that determines the flow.
Q: So where we don’t trust there won’t be any flow?
John: Where there is trust there are no boundaries. Your boundaries are also your walls.
Q: Is lack of trust or mistrust made from patterns of past hurt?
John: Instead of being in the mistrust, be in the trust. It doesn’t require very much trust – just all of you in it. Within that, there are no boundaries. Within that, there is no history.
Q: So then there is no desire to control anything, just a willingness to allow whatever?
John: Allowing newness. The most powerful newness is where it is most subtle. Instead of looking for much newness, go fine. Being in the delicate instead of the more. It is trust that makes the space for lovemaking. Instead of trying to trust more, see what it is that you already trust and let all of you be in it.
Where there is trust there’s no use of power. Where there’s no use of power, there’s love. Where there’s need, there’s use of power. Where there’s need there’s no trust, there’s no love.
Q: It seems to me that is when it can really happen: when there is no need.
John: Where there is trust, there is making love. Where there is any use of power, then there is taking sex. The more you take, the more coarse you become. Trust makes you delicate. Find where there is trust and swim in it. Where there is mistrust, there is a use of power. Leave all mistrust alone and be only in the trust, however small that might be. When all of you is in it, it is not small trust; it is everything. Where there is trust, love moves.
Q: Is trust in the heart? Is it something to be felt in the heart?
John: Where there is trust, the whole body turns into all heart.
Q: If we are together and I sense an energy that he would like to make love, and there is not a corresponding opening in me, sometimes that may seems to me that the response isn’t there because maybe I can sense that it is coming from a place of need in him, so then would that be a mistrust in me? Are you saying that I should just go to that place of trust and just open anyway? Do you understand what I am asking?
John: Find the place of trust and let all of you be in it. And from there, you will find out. Focus on what you mistrust and that will only have you thinking. It is not just with lovemaking; it is all the time. Let that be the only place of connection. It is not how much trust there is. It is: where is it? Where do you see that it is there? And then all of you in it. That is the only space from which you would be with him, all the time.
You can deal with things. You can deal with life, with him, but only from that space. If you are not in that space within yourself toward him then you are using your power, and it gets used on him. Then there are no arguments – only delicate discussion. That is where the gold finds the gold. The gold is always there. It is not how much gold is there; it is how much you are in it.
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