JdR Podcast 387

Free From Sadness and Loss: The Return to Your Heart

The woman in this dialogue describes being stuck in the pain and sadness she feels after the loss of her relationship. John shows her the true source of her sadness doesn’t lie in her circumstance but rather in the power she has given to false beliefs.

"Without your self there is no sadness, so it isn’t about not having sadness or fixing the sadness; it’s about you just quietly residing in your heart."

—John de Ruiter

Podcast Transcript

With John de Ruiter from the June 19 and July 19, 2020, Interactive Live Stream


John: Hello.

Q: Hello. I’m a long time feeling stuck in feelings of getting lost, and a situation which threw me out of the country I was loving, and also by circumstances. My husband went underground so I’m left alone and I’ve worked with that for two years and tried everything to come back to my self. Somehow I lost my self and the biggest part is missing my husband so much. So this pain doesn’t change and I feel lost in that.

John: You’re not lost in that. You’re lost in your self. And it isn’t that you’ve lost your self and can’t find your self: you’ve lost your deeper sense of you.

The more that your circumstances of life matter to you, the more lost you are in your self. When you’re dependent on the state of your circumstance you are being a patterned self. You’re being a patterned sense of you. When you’re being what you really are, a change of circumstance doesn’t change you. You are then the constant, instead of the circumstance being what is constant for you: you deeply within being the constant instead of a pattern of circumstance, of life, of your self, of your experience being the constant. When form is your constant, you’ll live holding to it and you’ll defend that form, and if the form is changed in a way that is beyond your control, you’ll lose your sense of safety, security, stability and then your sense of you, because your sense of you was dependent on that.

It isn’t really about your husband. It’s been all about how you’ve invested you, in your self, in your husband. You have let your self be patterned by your relationship to your husband, instead of you being the depth in you and a high level of quality in you in how you related to your husband. Then you wouldn’t relate as your self to your husband; you would relate as what you are in your heart to your husband. What you are in your heart doesn’t change if your circumstance changes.

The pain that you have, the pain in your self, is because a core belief in you is threatened. It’s your belief in what you need from your husband that gives you the pain. Losing anything does cause pain, but where having something is connected to a belief in you, an underlying belief in you, then if you lose something you’ll experience a severance within a core belief. You experience that as pain. Pain in your self reveals a false belief in you.

Believe a deeper level of you instead of believing the level of you that you relate to in your self. Believe a level of you that is uncommon in your experience. If you believe the level of you that’s usual to your experience, you’ll sustain a false you – one that’s made of false belief.

If you lie down to go to sleep in that pain, as soon as you near sleep that pain is not there. It’s gone because you’ve gone into a deeper level of you. The closer you are to sleep the more that you are being what you really are. What lies down to go to sleep, and what you are at the tipping point to sleep need to be the same. If there’s a difference, then you live in your self, in your life, believing something that you don’t actually know the truth of. You’re believing your patterned self that’s been created in your past and sustained in the midst of everything of life that affects your self. It’s not real.

Be tender okayness instead of you being that you miss your husband. That takes you out of your self and it puts you in your heart.

Bye for now.

Q: Bye, John.



Q: Hi John

John: Hello.

Q: Since last time we talked I’m still very full of sadness which overwhelms me very often and a kind of a disorientation: where will I go to now, and how will I move?

John: The sadness comes from you being oriented to your self, to your whole sense of self. It’s only in your self that you have the sadness. Without your self there is no sadness, so it isn’t about not having sadness or fixing the sadness; it’s about you just quietly residing in your heart.

Whatever it is that makes you sad just leave it alone. Leave it all alone, and return to your heart. The sadness is there in your self because of the way that you’ve formulated your mind and how you’ve centred your thinking around the sense of your self. You’ve centred your thinking around your sense of individuality and what affects it. When you lie down to go to sleep, all of that passes away. The sadness doesn’t stay with you as you near the tipping point to sleep. So that is how you be what you really are, but then not just as you near sleep but in all of your day.

Your self isn’t real. It’s actual, it’s genetic, you’ve developed it in how you’ve been in it but it isn’t real. What you are, gentled and quieted in your heart, is real. Be that in your self instead of being your self. Your self, your thinking, your emotions, your will and feeling are like your wardrobe. It doesn’t matter the condition of your wardrobe. It doesn’t matter what it is that you wear from your wardrobe: none of that is you. The sadness is there because you believe, you take seriously, what you’re wearing. You take your wardrobe seriously. Your whole sense of you comes from whatever it is you wear from your wardrobe.

It doesn’t matter what it is that you’re wearing. None of that is you. You don’t need your self for you to be what you really are. You don’t need your wardrobe for you to be you. You do need your wardrobe and your self for you to express from the inside out, into life, what you really are. You don’t have a self so that you can be you. You have a self so that you can express you.

Bye for now.

Q: Thank you.

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