JdR Podcast 358
Why Real Love Doesn't Hurt
Questioning his own honesty in his relationship with his wife, the man in this dialogue asks how he can love her ‘rightly’, wondering if pain is a necessary part of the equation.
"When the flow of love receives no love, the flow of love loves. Everything makes love love more."
—John de Ruiter
With John de Ruiter from the October 25, 2019, Bad Meinberg, Germany Event
Q: I have some honest questions about my relating to my wife and the pain I experience in it with the self continuously coming in, and dishonesty, ignorance about what love really is. If there is something to get rid of, that is not true in my longing to love her and to be in that bond and to live it, I am willing to see. I am longing that you can take from me those things which are not true, which prevent me from loving her rightly, and how to deal with the pain. Is all pain self pain? Or is there the possibility of pain on deeper levels?
Q: So I cannot understand that when you lose your wife, true love cannot feel pain. Is there a possibility of not feeling pain and not feeling insecure?
John: Yes. All internal pain is a manifestation of false belief. All internal pain comes from and is empowered by core beliefs – having core beliefs. A core belief is a structural belief fabricated by you that has nothing to do with what you actually know the truth of. It’s all a self fabrication. It’s made up. It isn’t real or true, and its manifestation is pain.
Q: If that is so, what is the unreal part of my love for my wife?
John: The false part of the love is where the experience of love – the feelings of love – is grounded into your self instead of the feeling of love grounding back into love.
The purpose of love isn’t for your self; it’s for your being. Love moves your being into your self. As soon as you make the feeling of that and the benefit of that to your self, instead of for what it comes from, you deceive your self. It makes your self higher and more important than what love comes from. It makes your self matter more than love. It makes your self the centre of everything. So then, when you’re not being loved, you feel pain. You suffer.
Q: I can feel what is more true and less true in my self. I feel a little ashamed about the selfishness part of it.
John: The first few moments of guilt and shame are true. All of the following moments of guilt and shame are false. When it very first touches into you, that’s when you’re really seeing. That’s when you’re opening, which enables your self to soften. If you stay with being ashamed – the shame and guilt – everything becomes about your self.
Q: Although for the self, not being loved I want to go, I feel that I have to stay. That feels true on a deeper level, from the bond.
John: When the flow of love receives no love, the flow of love loves. Everything makes love love more. But if you hijack the feelings of love then anything that interrupts those feelings will make you react. It will reveal the interest in your self. It exposes where the feelings of love are really only about your self. It exposes where the feelings of love are artificial: not real.
Q: So I feel right now that I must come to love my self towards love. Can you guide me to go deeper within the heart, or where it all starts, that flow?
John: Don’t love your self. Don’t love others. Just fundamentally relax, and as you do, you turn into love. And as you turn into love you flow and you naturally flow into everything and everyone.
When you are grounded in flow, even the thought of loving your self or others is real, but where you are not grounded in flow, the thought or the feeling of loving your self and others highlights your self. You will use your self to move what has nothing to do with your self. You will use the feelings of love for your self and others for your self. And there, where love doesn’t come back, you will really start to break things.
Q: I feel a deep grief as a child is brought back to where the mistakes arise. It says “I don’t want to be in this, I must be, as you say, in the midst of it opening and softening”, and yet it overwhelms me, this pain of the mistake.
John: The truth within, when you’re grounding into it, when you’re given to it, moves love, and love within – the flow, the movement of being when you’re grounded into it – moves the truth. What this means is that the more you know – the more you’re grounded in the truth within – the more you know, the more you love. And the more you love, the more you will know.
Love isn’t a feeling. Love is movement of your being, and when that movement comes up into your self, into your forms and through them, you can feel it. You feel it and experience in your self, enabling what is unseen of your being to be seen and manifest in your self. The feeling of love, when you’re grounded in flow, then makes you flow more. But if the feeling of love is grounded in your self, then when you flow that highlights your self and you’ll leave the flow for the feeling. And anything that interrupts that feeling or doesn’t satisfy that feeling, in your self or from outside of your self, will cause you pain. Internal pain shows you precisely where you are fooling your self, so it’s beautiful.
Q: Is the only way to stay out of it by seeing it directly as it is, knowing it?
John: Not by seeing it, but by you awareness grounding into flow. Then all seeing makes you flow more.
Q: Yes I can feel it. Seeing it does not mean that you are grounded in the flow.
John: When you’re not grounded in flow all seeing will make more of your self. When you’re grounded in flow all seeing makes more of the truth within, and love. When you’re grounded in flow, seeing core beliefs, seeing false beliefs, seeing self-deception in you, all of it makes you happy, because when you’re grounded in flow the more you see the freer your forms are. Free of you making them perform for your self.
Subscribe for more
There’s two ways to subscribe and listen to the John de Ruiter Podcast
1. All Podcasts: Listen to present and past podcast episodes right from our website!
2. Subscribe Free on iTunes: Download past episodes and subscribe to future episodes for free from The John de Ruiter Podcast on iTunes (iPhone users can download the Podcast App to subscribe automatically as well!)