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JdR Podcast 334

How Can I Be in My Heart and Still Say No?

We often feel our heart opening when we say yes to someone. But is it possible to say no and still be open? John describes how to make every interaction like putting gold into someone's pocket, whether your response to them is yes or no.

"Open at any personal cost while you say no. Then, in saying no, you give so much."

—John de Ruiter

This dialogue also appeared on VOD-000

Podcast Transcript

With John de Ruiter from the March 30, 2017 Poleg Beach, Israel Event

Q:  Good evening, John. I’ve heard you many times saying and teaching about softening and opening at any personal cost, and I ask myself whether softening and opening at any personal cost means always saying yes; whether you can say no and still stay in opening and softening. I would like you to teach me about the delicate path to stay in opening and softening, and saying no in the right moment, taking the right decision.

John: Then you are saying no in a way that only love can say. You won’t be saying no in a way that matters to your self.

Q: A lot of times I feel I am not sure from which part I say yes. I know about my self, that I say yes sometimes to please, or being afraid of conflict, and I’m not sure it comes really from the heart. Let’s say there is a person that you really love and care about, and this person approaches you with demands and guilt, and plays with your buttons. Is there a way to still be connected to my truth and to my heart and still being for him? Sometimes it seems to be either/or.

John: When you speak to someone, don’t say anything unless you are deeply, quietly clear, and when you can see the goodness in the other. When you speak, speak because you can see. When you speak, add no emotion to your words. Don’t do anything to add meaning to your words. When you speak because you can see, your words will be filled with meaning.

When you use words to ask something of someone, be sure that on a level deeper within than your self, you are giving more to the other than what you’re asking.

Q: Can you please make that more clear for me?

John: That when you engage someone with words, you’re engaging with meaning in the other, without the use of words. When you ask something of someone, make your heart available. Extend your heart in the asking. When you say yes or no, you are then really giving of your self. You’re extending to the other what meaning you are, and that means more to you than the words. When you say yes or no, what is real to you that you’re giving? When you say yes or no to someone, then it’s like you’re dropping a little bit of gold in their pocket without them realizing.

Q: I know that my heart is so wounded that the gold I am giving away is full of dirt. It’s combined with a lot of dirt because of my wounded heart.

John: When you would rather give than live, then it wouldn’t matter how wounded you are. When you give, it’s clean. In that way, your being wounded doesn’t mean much to you. Then you would rather give than be healed.

Q: So giving no could be gold?

John: Yes.

Q: And giving, not looking to heal the wound, is better?

John: You are better to give than be healed. Then it’s clear that what you’re coming from toward the other is deeper than your wound. Your giving heals your wound. You won’t even realize it until you’ve done it many times.

When you say no to someone, let it be the warmth of yes to the other that says no.

Q: This is something I wish to learn and embrace, to say no in that way. Also saying no with any personal cost when knowing that the personal cost could be not receiving the love that I want, being neglected, or not being seen.

John: Open at any personal cost while you say no. Then, in saying no, you give so much.

Q: While we are speaking, I can see that the fear is not for my self. By deciding yes or no, the fear is about my beloved ones.

John: It isn’t. When you fear, it is really all about your surface self, even when it is toward someone you love.

When you fear for any reason at all, your self is caught. When your self is caught in a trap, you’re not being clear in your self, and there you are without your real functionality. When you fear, it doesn’t matter what your reason is. When you fear, you can’t flow. When you fear, then even toward someone you love, you can’t flow; you can move as emotion, but you can’t flow.

When you speak to someone, your flow matters more than your choice of words. Your flow means more than your best words. That will change how you speak. Flow to someone means more than making your mind understood to someone.

Q: I can see that.

John: When you flow, that means that you would rather give than have. You would rather give meaning than have what you want. The wanting ends the flow, and then your giving words are used to get something.

Q: Sometimes I wonder if I really know about love. I’m judging myself that maybe I’m not loving enough.

John: That judgment has no value, but if you wonder if you have any love and that wondering drops the floor out of your self, that’s the beginning of love. That’s authentic wondering that opens you as soon as you wonder.

Q: Thank you, John.

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