JdR Podcast 310
Learning the Language of Real Parenting
This young woman knows she could deepen her connection with her unborn baby but doesn't know how. John shows her the real language of parenting she can learn from her baby in the quiet of her heart. It not only opens the connection she longs for but will teach her what really matters in her own life, and in parenting her baby once born.
"You have the most beautiful opportunity to listen to another being that is streaming to you, that is communicating to you, but in such a completely different way."
—John de Ruiter
With John de Ruiter from the June 2, 2017, Moen, Denmark Event
Q: I have this baby in my womb and I really feel a deep longing to soften and open, and really, really, deeply feel how incredible it is to grow a being inside me. I just feel that to some level I am cut off from feeling this as deeply as I actually can.
John: This other being in your body doesn’t recognize your self. This other being directly recognizes you; this being communicates to you. When you are about your self, you’ll miss most of what’s moving. When you are quietly in your heart, you’re easily connected to what’s moving, but you won’t understand it. It just subtly moves you. You’re touched in a way that is moved beyond your understanding.
This other being that’s in your body quietly streams to you, bypassing all of your self. When you are most delicately sensitive to this, you are being informed by this other being as to what really matters. It’s a whole different level of communication that you don’t comprehend in your self, so when you’re relating to your self, you’ll miss it.
When you’re quieted within, you’ll be beautifully yet strangely touched by it, and it brings you back to what you were before you developed and were taken by your self. You have the most beautiful opportunity to listen to another being that is streaming to you, that is communicating to you, but in such a completely different way. The most that you can be in your self concerning this communication is sweetly undone. You can let this communication undo your self. You can let it undo the importance of your self
Q: It feels like I don’t know how to drop down into it. I can’t really relax and let go; only up here in my head.
John: Then approach this being as a self that is blind, deaf and dumb. What that then means is that on a being-level, within your self, you are so open and available and there the two of you meet.
Q: I feel it.
John: I am a grown-up version of what is inside of your body, and I appeal to the same that this being in your body appeals to in you. As we meet, everything that you’re used to, that you’re accustomed to, comes off and there is just this very plain other, which is you not adorned with your self. We meet together, quietly unadorned. It’s a different language.
Q: I’m not at all used to being here.
John: Never get good at it.
Q: What do you mean by that?
John: Never get good at being quietly unadorned. It’s always new. Your real parenting, once this child is born, is you relating from this: you not being a somebody, not being a somebody mother; you not being something; you first being nothing and nobody which leaves you quietly unadorned, seeing what is really there in your child. There you meet directly.
Q: Can my child help me with that in the beginning?
John: Now, and when it’s first born. For as long as it doesn’t see your self it’s helping you, but as soon it begins to develop its self, which comes very quickly, then it’s for you to hold to what you knew; that you keep relating to what is quietly unadorned while your child comes into its adornments. Its adornments are good, but what is even better is what’s inside of them.
All of your deepest parenting is you holding to that first real connectivity that isn’t dependent on your self. It isn’t dependent on who you are and what you are in your personality. It’s dependent on you relating, unadorned, directly to your child, seeing right in. When you first hold your child when it’s born, instead of being a personality all over it, just really see.
When you’re quieted within, when you are unadorned within and you see what’s there, what you’ll see is a being that isn’t yet human. You’ll see a foreignness, a deep, deep foreignness in your baby’s eyes, and it’s looking as a being from within that foreignness, looking right through you, seeing only the deep in you. Register that look. Let that look in your baby’s eyes – the presence that’s there, how different that presence is – let that imprint in you. Deeply register it. Let it take anything apart in you. Anything that that look sees through you, let that come apart. What you’ll be meeting is being to being.
Right there, the being of your baby is not a baby being. It’s a baby person that doesn’t realize yet, but, as a being, clearly, perfectly knows you, and until it comes into itself and its personality, if you’re quietly open, you are being taught, by a being, how to keep relating for the rest of your relationship.
What you’ll come into as your baby is newly born is a paramount teaching. You’ll be able to see it with your eyes. It won’t last long, but in being directly imprinted you’ll know what to keep seeing. You’ve been taught; you’ve been taught what matters first. In all of your parenting of your child this initial connectivity matters first. Everything that you do together is secondary to that.
It’s already started and it’s going to get stronger and stronger, and when your baby is born, see the look of a being instead of seeing the look of your baby. What you’ll see is a deeply foreign love, looking right into you.
Q: I thought I understood by listening, before, but sitting here with you everything feels new. I’ve not tried anything like it, so at the same time as it feels so simple, it also shatters everything else … in a good way.
John: Now you are reached from inside of your body and outside; from inside of your body and from outside of your self.
Get to know this other language. It’s the only real language of parenting. As you come into this language, you will make so many mistakes, but if you’re coming from within this language, all of your mistakes will be beautiful. In all of your parenting you don’t need to get anything right. You need to get into this language.
Q: And it’s already there, right? I don’t have to fear that it goes away. I have that feeling of not being able to drop into it, but now I know it with you.
John: Make dropping into it really easy. It is, as you’ll see, baby-simple.
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